Okay, alpha-hipsters. You might be ruling my coffee shop now… but I’ve got a plan.

Oh, believe me, I’ve been watching you. I see you each day when you gather in the back corner with your thrift store chic and fancy handsets. You drink that black coffee and talk about 8-bit tone poems and think you’re the masters of all you survey. Well, maybe you were. Were.

Because today, I’m walking in with a NERF Multimedia Speaker Wheel for my iPhone or iPod Touch. That’s right, I’m packing the power of NERF in my hands.

When I first set it up, I’ll use the built-in stand to quietly watch my movie. Maybe you’ll laugh and nudge each other. Maybe you’ll whisper “What is he doing over there?” That’s when I’ll turn on the high quality speakers, just so you know they exist. “Oops!” I’ll say. “Sorry, everybody! Didn’t mean to bother you!” And I’ll plug my headphones into the external headphone jack. And smile. You’ll be so jealous you won’t even know what to do.

After a few minutes I’ll casually ask some stranger if they want a turn, since the line-in jack means the NERF Multimedia Speaker Wheel can handle any device. When they say no, I’ll shrug, and turn on my driving game. That’s when your jaw will drop, hipsters, because the steering wheel control will give me the ability to dominate the high score table. Plus it’ll be soft and comfy on my hands, just like all NERF products. Don’t you remember that from childhood? Every kid wanted something NERF! And that longing will eat you alive. Because now you know… there’s something out there cooler than you.

Yep, when finally I walk out of that coffee shop, the fixie of power will have shifted hands. Thanks to the all-ages NERF Multimedia Speaker Wheel, I’ll be the new king of the underground! And you know what your new king is going to decree on day one? First new rule: clip those $#x%x bangs. What are you, anime characters? Join the real world, Scott Pilgrim!

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