Doctor?! Doctor, come quick! I think my husband is opening his eyes!

Honey, can you hear me? Sweetie, it’s your wife, Leslie. LEEESSSSSLIE. Do you know who I am? Ugh, if only they didn’t have your jaw wired shut. OH, how about this? Blink once for “yes”, twice for “no”. I remember seeing that on television once. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TELLING YOU? Oh, good. I was worried the fall might have also made you deaf.

Oh, Kevin, I was so worried about you. You were so brave up there on that mountain with your X Games Snowboard. I was so proud of you making such an effort to become an important male figure in Timmy’s life. I know he hasn’t made it easy on you during the course of our relationship, but you have to realize, it’s only because he loves his father so much. You’re important to him, too, though! Remember when you were in that car accident because someone cut your brake line? He was the first person to ask if you were still alive or not. And the time you got locked in the old coal closet in the basement when the door mysteriously locked behind you on the day of our wedding? It was Timmy who found you just after we were forced to cancel! It’s a process, you know? Wait, was that two blinks? You must’ve had something in your eye.

That’s what makes what you did so special, honey! Instead of letting my ex-husband get the upper hand when he bought Timmy a snowboard, you went out and bought two X Games Snowboard and Bindings Bundles, the 150cm for you and 142cm for me! And the snowboarding vacation you planned for all of us was wonderful until, well, you know. You didn’t care that you’d never been snowboarding. Even in those final moments as you strapped your feet into the included bindings with die cast buckles, durable ABS construction, and adjustable high-back and forward lean, you never once thought of your own safety. You were so adorable while you readied yourself to ride that popular dual-ply wood core, sidewall construction, and bi-ax fiberglass lay-up of your board all the way down that slope and prove your worth to your step-son. If only Timmy hadn’t accidentally shoved you down before you were ready, you would’ve seen the pride on his face. You were just too busy breaking every bone in your body against a tree to notice.

Don’t worry, honey. I’m sure you made a good impression on him. Why, he even came by today to see if you were still unconscious. Wasn’t that nice of him? And the way he was checking to make sure everything was still plugged in was just darling. I think you’ve got a new best friend, dear. Isn’t that wonderful? Honey, are you having an eye spasm?

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