Three cheers for coffee! There’s a simple reason this venerable drink has been America’s favorite stimulant for generations: It’s legal.

People say I’m a “go-getter.” They say I’ve got “plenty of energy.” That I’m a “live wire.” That I “ought to try and chill out once in a while,” and that I remind them of “this hyperactive kid” at their son’s day care. Well, I wasn’t always like this. Would you believe I used to be kind of a lazy type? Would you? Hunh? Would you believe it? If I told you that? Would you?

Yeah, all the way through college, I used to have the get-up-and-go of a banana slug. My favorite way to spend an afternoon was in a sleeping bag on the couch. They used to call me “Day-Z,” like “Jay-Z,” but more like “daisy,” like as in catching some “Zs” all “day,” like as in sleeping during the day, like “Day-Z,” get it? Do you get it? Isn’t that clever? Get it?

Anyway, that was before I discovered coffee. Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee! It’s the best. Do you like coffee? I love coffee. It’s the best. Do you like coffee? I just gives me this feeling—this, like, jittery feeling—all over my body! Ooh! I think I just had a little arrhythmia there!

So I probably drink a lot of coffee. I don’t know, maybe not “a lot” a lot, but kind of a lot. How much is a lot? A lot a lot a bo botta banana fana fo fotta. Wow, that’s weird, that’s the second time I’ve said “banana” in like, one minute. Maybe I subconsciously want a banana. Paging Dr. Freud! Hahahaha! Just kidding. Bananas really are really good for you though, really.

Anyway, like for example, I don’t ever get into my car, even for a super-super-duper short drive, without two twelve-ounce travel mugs of coffee. I have a Cafe Valencia coffee maker that brews them, and they fit right in the cup holders in my car! It’s really convenient. Like, really convenient. I like convenience. So, say I’m going to Starbucks, for example, for some Starbucks coffee, which I like, although some of their fancy drinks are a little sugary for me. Hello! Like I need a lot of excess sugar, right? Hahahaha! It makes me, like, way more hopped-up than I am now. This is just normal for me! Hahahaha!

Anyway, so suppose I’m going to Starbucks. It’s just eleven minutes away, but how do I know there’s not a traffic jam, or maybe the store is closed, or there’s an accident on the way and they’re diverting traffic, or there’s road construction, or I have car trouble, or even, shoot, I don’t know, I could run into someone famous, or a long-lost friend, and start to talking, and end up not making it to Starbucks at all?

Well, in that case, it’s a good thing I always carry twenty-four ounces of delicious, energizing coffee in my two stainless steel travel mugs with the non-slip grips so they won’t spill. Disaster averted! Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee, hooray!

What’s that? Yes, that’s right, like I said, two mugs, twelve ounces apiece. Why?

What do you mean “extra mug?” Split it with you? What, are you crazy? GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY COFFEE OR A SWEAR I WILL TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT WITH MY BARE HANDS.

Hahahaha! Just kidding! Kind of! But no, you can’t have any.

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