The VTech VT5883 4 Handset Cordless Phone with Answering System takes the telephone to the next level! Oh, er, actually, we mean the previous level

I love my multiple personalities, but don’t get me wrong: sometimes they’re a handful. And since they’re all girls, the fights over the phone can get pretty fierce. One time, Kimmy, the naive, childlike one, lost the phone after she called Santa Claus. That made Vivian, the painted harlot, mad. She wanted to cold-call male names out of the phonebook to see if they’d come over and party. Another time, Penny, the snake-handler, needed to reach her minister in a moment of spiritual crisis – only to find that Julie, the druggie, had traded the phone to her dealer for a couple of Marinol capsules. And I thought it was hard keeping up with the switchboard in my mind!

That’s why I got the VTech VT5883 4 Handset Cordless Phone with Answering System. Each of my “little friends” now has her very own handset with a backlit keypad and 9-number speed dial. No more of Kimmy crying because Julie puked all over the phone. No more of Penny hiding the phone from Vivian to punish her for her sinful ways. No, they can’t make more than one call at once – but that’s OK, because I only have one mouth.

Oh, hey there, big boy. Feeling lonely tonight? Why don’t you come over and we’ll have a good time? And BRING DRUGS BRING LOTS OF DRUGS WHATEVER YOU CAN FIND OK? Or face a ferocious wrath from on high, and lo shall the waters drown ye! I wuv you!

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