I'm digitizing my record collection until they find a cure for unbearable audiophilia.

As an audiophile, people hate me. I'm always finding ways to belittle every aspect of my friends' musical "taste," whether it's the actual "music" they listen to, or the medium on which they play it. You see, I firmly believe that vinyl is the ONLY way to consume the Terpsichorean muse, but my vocal defense of this belief has alienated every friend I have ever had.

That's why I'm "cryogenically freezing" my entire record collection with this Vibe USB turntable. That is, I'm digitizing it with the turntable's one-touch plug-and-play functionality. I hope someday to return to audiophilia once a cure has been found and it no longer infuriates everyone it comes in contact with. Until then, I will consume my music as do the masses…[shudder]…on my…[gulp]…i…Pod.

Oh dear lord, that word burns my throat. Grab me some water, please. No, no, that's only making it worse. Maybe it's like spicy food. Will you get me a glass of milk? Ugh. I forgot I hate milk, never mind. Grab me a Cuban sandwich. No mustard. No pork. Could you make that with wheat bread? Hey, where are you going?

I can't wait until I'm no longer insufferable.

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