Good afternoon, fellow occupants of office suite 203-A. I’m pleased to announce that Tom and Angie have agreed to an immediate ceasefire, ending the war that has devastated much of our productivity these many weeks.

Both sides are to be commended for turning their USB Missile Launchers over to the Foam Rubber Nonproliferation Authority – that’s me – and agreeing to settle their disputes in a nonviolent way. Tom has agreed to allow Angie to inspect his email account, to prove that he was not the one who emailed that picture of her drunk at the pool party to everyone in the office. And Angie will henceforth refrain from sneaking into Tom’s office to unplug his laptop so that its battery dies unexpectedly two hours later when he’s in the middle of a videoconference with our Japanese clients.

As for the rest of us, we can finally awaken from the brutal nightmare of this war. The two combatants had taken full advantage of their USB Missile Launchers, controlling their 360-degree rotation and 45-degree tilt on their computers, and even, more recently, on their iPhones. The damage in terms of man-minutes and morale lost is incalculable. But Tom and Angie are committed to set aside these grievances in the name of bringing an end to this senseless destruction, and for that we should all be grateful.

I’d also like to point out that, now that Tom and Angie have disarmed and their USB Missile Launchers dispersed to other desks for safekeeping, the rest of us are finally free to show them how annoying their stupid little fight has been. Fire away, everybody!

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