Workout at home, where no snooty gym snob can look down his nose at you and give you the ‘BMI’

It never fails: You let slip that you’re taking up an exercise program and suddenly everyone’s an experienced personal trainer.

The lady at reception heard I’m thinking about getting one of those Smooth Fitness Elliptical Trainers. She tells me she “could never work out on one of those things, it’d get too boring.” She’s “been thinking about taking up roller derby” lately, and recommends I look into something like that, some engaging team-sport-type activity instead of a repetitive workout machine that doesn’t go anywhere. “I mean, seriously, wouldn’t that be a lot more fun?”

Foolishly, I mention the elliptical machine comes with a wireless heart rate monitor, and she sniffs “ugh, math.”

Then here’s the tubby guy who works two cubes over, the one who takes the elevator up to the break room on the second floor. He says “exercise doesn’t really help change your body type over a certain age; your metabolism just slows down. It’s natural.”

Flipping, uninvited, through the brochure on my desk, leaving greasy thumbprints on the corner of each page, he tells me “the moving handlebars are supposed to give you a full body workout, I guess, but I just figure as long as I can hoist my own weight—you know, in case I’m trapped in a burning car or something—I’m good. Anything else is just vanity.” (There is, incidentally, no way he can hoist his own weight.)

Oh, and my manager—he knows all about fitness regimens because I guess he did a couple 10K fun runs back in the ‘90s or something. “Those pivoting foot pedals are comfortable and ergonomic and all, but you actually want a little impact,” he blathers. “That’s what increases your bone density.”

Failing to accurately gauge my level of interest, he continues: “Running outdoors is so much better than using any of these cardio machines, because the changing scenery keeps you interested, and the uneven terrain develops your ankle stability.”

Busybodied fools!

I don’t care how “boring” my workout is! I don’t exercise for “fun!” I’m not trying to “change my body type” out of “vanity!” I don’t care about “bone density,” or “ankle stability!”

I EXERCISE TO PUNISH MYSELF! I am a greedy little snack-scarfing piggy with NO SELF-CONTROL, and an hour on the Smooth Fitness Elliptical Trainer is EXACTLY WHAT AN UNCONSTRAINABLE GLUTTON LIKE ME DESERVES!

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