Long for days of old? When men were men and women were sometimes also men depending on how many people needed to be pressed into service? Try the Saitek P2900 Wireless First Person Shooter Gamepad.

”-which is how I managed to sneak the Pharaoh’s ashes back to the London Museum! But I never did get all that rouge out of my ear.”

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“Oh, dear!”
“Hahahaha! Oh, Lord Ruffrump, your stories are magnificent!”
“Mmmmmyasssss.”
“Yes, well, I don’t want to take center stage all night. Come, now, let’s have a story from the newest member of the Sneaky Upper-Class Jerkface Society! Gentlemen, may I present to you… Saitek P2900 Wireless First Person Shooter Gamepad!”

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“Well, I… I suppose I could tell the story of the night I helped a young man escape a fiery demon.”
“Oh, good show, young fellow, good show.”
“Oh, dear!”
“Mmmmmyasssss.”
“I was just in Egypt, on one of those dark, moonless nights we all know so well. And there I saw it. The gateway. I could feel my four quick-fire buttons twitch with excitement. But I controlled myself.”
“Here, here!”
“Mmmmmyasssss.”
“Oh, dear!”
“I remembered my training. I used the eight-way D pad to scout the area. Not a soul at first. But as I used my two analog joysticks to look left and right, I saw it. The fiery demon.”
“Were you scared, lad?”
“Scared? Indeed! For when I looked into those burning eyes, those screaming lips, the very sight of this hot, angry fiend made me forget that I was fully programmable!
“Oh, dear!”
“Mmmmmyasssss.”
“I used my six responsive buttons to the best of my ability, running, leaping, firing, whatever I could think of. I knew my single AA battery was fresh and I had up to fifty hours of use, but it was as though time began to slow-”
“That it does, that it does!”
”- and I couldn’t tell if it was seconds, or minutes… or days.”
“Oh, dear!”
“Mmmmmyasssss.”
“When I rounded the pyramid, I found myself trapped between the wood and the stone. I felt as though I had forgotten to download my Vista drivers, though I knew in my heart I worked on Windows 2000 and XP as well.”
“Mmmmmyasssss.”
“What did you do, lad, what did you do?”
“Nothing. For when the beast came face to face with me, this beast sworn to hunt down and destroy every gamepad it might ever see-”
“Oh, dear!”
”- it simply passed me by. And why, you might ask?”
“Mmmmmyasssss.”
“Because as far as it knew, I was not a Saitek P2900 Wireless First Person Shooter Gamepad. For I emulate the mouse and keyboard as though I were born of one!”

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