Think of it less as “flatware” and more as “table setting etiquette training equipment.”

Once again, if you please, Adam. You may think you can simply trounce through life like some uncivilized goon but I assure you, you will not be leaving Helena Stansbury’s School of Etiquette until you have mastered the proper dinner table setting. Now: what is the one absolutely unbreakable tenent of formal table setting?

“All places must be at equal distances?”

And?

“And all flatware balanced?”

Correct! See? Even the most stubborn of mules can be made to walk with the proper combination of carrots and sticks. Now, using the Reed & Barton Concannon 18/0 Stainless Flatware Set, because obviously I wouldn’t dirty actual silverware with your grubby touch, start from the left and detail to me each piece in the table setting, please.

“Napkin?”

Already an improvement from your first try. Continue.

“Bread and butter plate with butter knife?”

And this little devil?

“Uh, cake fork?”

THWACK!

“OOoOoWWW! Fish fork! FISH FORK! Please don’t hit me again!”

Continue.

“D-d-d-d-d-d-dinner fork?”

MUST we address your stuttering while we’re at it, Adam?

“No, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am. Next is a salad fork?”

Are you asking, or are you telling, Adam?

“I’m not sure any more.”

Perhaps another flick of the cat o’ nine tails will jog your memory.

“Telling! I’m telling!”

Excellent. You’re making progress. And above the plate?

“Dessert spoon?”

Below it?

“C-c-cake fork.”

And below that?

“Plate?”

THWACK!

What kind of plate, Adam?

“S-s-s-s-s-service plate! Please, the blood. It’s all over the 12 included steak knives.”

Ah, but the steak knives are the only thing improving your absolutely wretched posture. Were you to sit up straight like a gentleman they wouldn’t be needed. What’s next?

“The soup bowl. On top of the plate. Then to the right side are the glasses.”

You won’t get off that easily, Adam. Which glass is which? Am I to believe I can pour just any old thing into them?

“No, ma’am. FIrst is the water glass, closest to the plate. Then the red wine. Then the white wine glass.”

Oh, Adam, I DO so love to see you improve like this. Go on. Home stretch now.

“Service knife?”

Yes.

“Fish knife?”

Yes…

“Soup spoon?”

Wonderful, Adam! You’ve absolutely surpassed my wildest expectations for you. We’ll have a refined gentleman in you, yet! Now then, let’s work on your speech. Just because you’re from lower Mississippi doesn’t mean you can’t have a proper English accent.

THWACK!

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