When your life heats up, and you want to escape it all, the Excalibur PR640S-1 Silver/Black Radio Controlled Snack Float will help. You’ll keep on snacking, even when you’re deliberately out of touch.

Hey, sweetie, you wanna hand me that phone? That’s great. Thanks. And while you’re up, put some more corn chips in the Excalibur PR640S-1 Silver/Black Radio Controlled Snack Float. Ah, this is the life.

Hey, Khamenei! Hey, it’s Ahmadinejad. Naw, nothin’ much. Just chillin’ by the pool. You wanna come by later? What? That recount thing? Still? Hey, well, come over after that. I’ll be here, just come around back. You gotta see this new Excalibur PR640S-1 Silver/Black Radio Controlled Snack Float I bought.

Never heard of it? Are you kidding me? You gotta get one of these things! It’s a remote control snack tray for the pool! Oh, man, it’s perfect for people like us who are used to having our every whim catered to. Imagine for a second… you still there? Yeah, you cut out for a second. Oh, right, we’re trying to block all media that’s leaving the country, you probably got caught up in that. Anyway, imagine with me. You’re in the middle of the pool. All you can hear is the sound of the wind and the gentle cries of the opposition party. That’s like the ocean after a while. Mmmm. You never get tired of their cries.

Oh, right, I was digressing. Anyway, you’re in the pool. And suddenly, here comes a little boat full of drinks and snacks, right to you. It goes backward! What more do you need? Ha ha! And it also goes left, right and forward, but that’s not as much fun. Listen, when this thing is full it holds five drinks and a bowl of snacks and it’s the greatest thing ever. If you pay someone to steer it while you sit and enjoy the benefits… right, just like an election! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, you cut out again. What? Okay, I can hear you now. That must have been our team blocking Gmail and AIM. They’re working so hard this week. We should have a pizza party for them when this is over.

So look, Khamenei, you go ahead and do whatever it is you need to do to make sure this thing turns out fairly. You know what I mean by fairly, right? Exactly. Meanwhile I’ll be here, in the Presidential Pool, driving my Excalibur PR640S-1 Silver/Black Radio Controlled Snack Float. Yeah, it’s fun too! That styrofoam base, it’s like a toy boat or something! Hey, pick one up yourself, when you get here we’ll race. Okay. And if there’s any protesters outside my place just feel free to run over them. Yeah, it’s no big deal. They’re just citizens. Okay, see you soon. Bye bye.

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