Oh, I say! Did you hear the Prince is getting married soon? Raw-ther!

Darling, welcome! Welcome to the Palace! Now, as the common gutter-snipe who’ll be marrying my royal grandson, there are a few things I have to go over with you. No, no, that will never do, stop making that face because you’re not royalty and so you must respect your betters who have the established right to cut off your head. Besides, after the wedding, you can call all your old school-friends gutter-snipes as well. Yes, see? Isn’t that a cheerful feeling? Just never do it with me because I’m at the tippy-top of it all and I’ll slice those pretty curls right off, missy.

But on to new business. Tell me about yourself, dear! Oh, wait, no, you don’t have to, because I have access to MI6. Cucumber sandwich? The dossier said you like them so I asked Chef to whip up a few. I also heard you like tennis, so I bought you this Prince O3 Red MP+ Performance Racquet. Yes, it’s full of O3 technology, which offers an advanced sweet spot, plus speed and stability. It even passed wind tunnel testing. How does O3 technology work? Well, dear, I of course know, but there’s a little thing called the Official Secrets Act which makes that kind of information need-to-know only. And you don’t need to know just now, do you, dear? No, not one teeny bit. Besides, this racket will work just fine even if you don’t know the details. All I’ll say is that the O3 technology helped us win World War Two.

Another sandwich already? Aren’t you just a common little piggy! Well, eat your fill, we both know I won’t be able to get rid of you. Unless, of course, you drive into a tunnel. Oh, sit down, that was just a joke, honestly. You’re so easily offended! Here, take this special included Prince case with an adjustable shoulder strap as an apology. See how lovely it is? Almost as lovely as the dress you’ll be wearing at your wedding. Incidentally, I’ve taken the liberty of having it made to my specifications so you won’t end up in some tiny skirt like a Doctor Who companion. Oh, here it comes now. Isn’t it lovely?

Why, is that a tear? Come now, dear, stiff upper lip. You’ll have to learn to have a thick skin if you’re going to be a member of the Royal family. I know, let’s take the Prince O3 Red MP+ Performance Racquet out to the garden and have a practice. I’ll have the servant lob rumours at you, and you can try to bat them away as quickly as you can. We’ll start with “already pregnant” and move on to, oh, what about “drug-filled weekend with an Arab businessman” as our closing volley? According to your dossier that one will come out sooner or later anyway so it’s best we prepare now. Really, now, didn’t we already discuss that face? Don’t try to intimidate me because you can’t. I’ve knighted half the people on your iPod and poked Churchill in his jiggly, jiggly belly. I’m James Bond’s boss and who Madonna pretends to be. Just because I own Corgis and wave don’t think I’m a pushover. The Falklands made that mistake, and look what happened to them. Hmm?

There, I hope that’s settled. Another sandwich, dear? These have extra mayo, I hear regular people enjoy them more. No, that watercress is for royal people only, you can’t have it until after the ceremony.

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