If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.

“Let me explain.”

There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.

“Perhaps an arrangement can be made?”

There will be no arrangement. And you’re killing her.

“Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.”

I’m afraid so. I can’t compete with you physically, and you’re no match for my brains.

“You’re that smart?”

Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?

“Yes.”

Morons.

“Really. In that case I challenge you to a battle of wits.”

For the princess? To the death? I accept.

“Good. Then serve a meal using that Oneida 65-pc Carolina Flatware Set with Storage Tray. Inhale this, but do not touch.”

I smell nothing.

“What you do not smell is called iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid and food. It is among the more deadly poisons known to man.”

Hmm.

“Alright. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink. And find out who is right, and who is dead.”

But it’s so simple; all I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison on his own Salad Fork or his enemy’s?

Now, a clever man would put the poison on his own Dinner Fork because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so clearly I cannot choose the Serving Fork in front of you. But you must’ve known I was not a great fool; you would’ve counted on it! So I can clearly not choose the Dinner Knife in front of me!

“You’ve made your decision then?”

Not remotely! Because Oneida has an operation in Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me so I can clearly not choose the Soup Spoon in front of you.

“Truly you have a dizzying intellect.”

Wait ‘til I get going! Where was I?

“Australia.”

Yes, Australia! And you must have suspected I would know Oneida’s origin so I can clearly not choose the Beverage Spoon in front of me.

“You’re just stalling, now.”

YOU’D LIKE TO THINK THAT, WOULDN’T YOU?! You’ve beaten my giant, which means you’re exceptionally strong; so you could’ve put the poison on that Serving Spoon, trusting your strength to save you so I clearly cannot choose the spoon in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my Spaniard which means you must’ve studied, and in studying you must’ve learned that man is mortal so you would’ve put the poison as far from yourself as possible so I can clearly not choose the Pierced Serving Spoon in front of me!

“You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.”

It HAS worked! You’ve given EVERYTHING away! I know where the poison is!

“Then make your choice.”

I will! And I choose- What in the world can that be?!

“What? Where? I don’t see anything.”

I could’ve sworn I saw something. No matter, heh.

“What’s so funny?”

I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s eat! You use that Butter Knife, and I’ll use the Sugar Spoon.

“You guessed wrong.”

You only THINK I guessed wrong! That’s what’s so funny! I switched flatware out of the Wooden Storage Tray when you weren’t looking! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is “never get involved in a land war in Asia,” but only slightly less well known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line!

AHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHA-

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