“Dad! I cleared that blockage in the sewer line, and I finished detailing your car! Can we watch sasquatch sumo now?”

“Well, Zachary, that depends. Have you done anything about those wasps’ nests out by the swimming pool?”

“Yup! Sprayed ‘em real good, then knocked ‘em all down. I got stung a few times, and my lungs burned real bad from the chemicals. But the wasps are all dead.”

“And did you finish wallpapering the liquor closet?”

“Sure did! I got all sticky and stuff. But gosh, I’d do anything to see sasquatch sumo! What’s it like, Dad? Do the bigfoots ever kick each other while they’re wrestling? I bet they could kick real hard, with the big feet and everything! Do they wear those diapers like real sumo guys? Where do they even get sasquatch diapers, Dad?”

“I could tell you, but that would ruin the surprise. Now, are you really ready to see sasquatch sumo? I mean really really ready?”

“Yes! Yes! I’m really really ready! Really!”

“OK, then…close your eyes…”

“They’re closed! They’re closed!”

“And…open them up! Here it is!”

“But…what…this is just a golf club.”

“Not ‘just’ a golf club, Zachary. It’s the Nike SasQuatch Sumo2 Driver! It’s got a lower, deeper center of gravity than the original SasQuatch driver. And the 460cc titanium-faced clubhead has a nice big sweet spot. So my drives go higher, farther, and straighter than ever before.”

“I thought…I thought..we were gonna see bigfoots wrestling…”

“That what makes it a surprise! Tell you what: as soon as you stop crying, we’ll head over to the driving range and you can watch me hit a few buckets of balls, OK? You’ll like the driving range. They’ve got a drinking fountain and a parking lot and everything.”

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“I want to go live with Mom.”

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