What use is it to own KUFFS on DVD if you can’t watch it from a boat off the north face of the Perito Moreno Glacier, for instance?

“Just look at it,” the old lady says to me. “Ain’t it breathtaking?” And, OK, it was nice. Monument Valley. Kind of a long drive for what’s basically just big rocks with funny shapes. But I can appreciate it. You know, the colors, the formations, whatever.

“Yeah,” I says. “Pretty neat.”

”’Pretty neat?’” she says, all indignant. “Try ‘a natural wonder!’ Try ‘awe-inspiring!’ Don’t it boggle your mind to imagine how the wind and the water musta carved out the rock over eons and such? Don’t it make you aware of your own insignificance?”

“It don’t take a picture postcard landscape to make me aware of my insignificance,” I says. “But yeah, I get it. Awe-inspiring, like you said. I’m glad we made the trip.” Inside, though, what I was thinking was: You know what this sandstone heap could use to really jazz it up? A side order of that special brand of irreverent action comedy mayhem called KUFFS, starring Christian Slater. Good thing I brought my Mustek eight-inch portable DVD player.

See, there’s something about KUFFS —the film that introduced Ashley Judd, you know—that, when it’s juxtaposed against a sweeping, panoramic vista, the combination improves them both. Like peanut butter and chocolate, or JELL-O and wrestling. You think the Hoover Dam is impressive? Try it with KUFFS, I swear, it’s a whole new experience.

Thank goodness for my Mustek portable DVD player, which facilitates the screening of KUFFS on any tour bus, National Park picnic bench, or petrified stump. It’s gotten me through more of Mavis’s tedious road trips than I could ever have otherwise survived.

“Just look,” she says, “at the way the sun lights up the side of the—Carl! Are you watching KUFFS again!? For crying out loud, how many times have you seen that crummy movie?”

Some people just can’t appreciate a truly profound experience, I guess.

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