Nah, I’m sure it’s safe as houses in there. They only call it Nasty Bleeding Death Cave to scare the kids away.

Oh, come on. You’re not going to let some silly stories about people who’ve never even met dying here stop you from going in, are you? Phsst. Old Mrs. McGillicuddy croaked shopping for Box Dinners the other day, but you don’t see people staying away from the supermarket now, do you? Of course not. Now then, enough with the whining. Get in that cave and find us some treasure.

Look, how many times do I have to explain this? OF COURSE THERE IS TREASURE IN THERE. It’s a spooky cave, isn’t it? If we have learned anything from adventure games and juvenile fiction, there is always treasure in spooky caves. Yes, I guess there might be the slim possibility that there could be bears, monsters, or traps, but that’s why I gave you my dad’s Miracle 3W Cree Wide Beam/Focus Aluminum LED Flashlight. You’ll totally be able to see what’s in there with 130 lumens of power at 100 feet. The ultra Long life 3 Watt LED bulb won’t go out on you in a jam, either. And, hey, it’s got a tactical tail switch! Doesn’t the word “tactical” make you feel safer?

No, for the last time, I can’t go in with you. One of us has got to stand out here just in case you get in trouble, duh. ‘Cause, see, if you start screaming, then I can start screaming and run away before whatever gets you gets me. YES, I’ll be back with help eventually, but Mom would be really mad if both of us put ourselves in danger for treasure. I’m just helping us both out. Now will you go on and get in there, already? Jeez, it’s a good thing the flashlight is water resistant with as much as you’re crying.

Back to top