Seems to me you lived your life like an eight pack of Malibu Plastic Solar Lights. You charged up in the sun and then turned off at night. Then you were killed by the Queen of England. So sad. So sad.

We are gathered here today, on the third anniversary of the death of Lady Diana, to pay tribute to a gentle soul. Named after the real Lady Diana, who was in many ways not as pure of heart, my pet gila monster was always looking after the smaller animals. It was in fact a day very much like today when she chose to spare the life of a baby mouse, just as Human Diana worked tirelessly to remove landmines from the arsenals of the world. It mattered little that she ate the mouse the following day. That is to say, my Lady Diana ate the mouse, not the other one.

It is in the honor of Lady Diana that we lay our own “eternal flame”, this eight pack of Intermatic LZ417-8W Malibu Plastic Solar Lights. The long lasting charge means that the dark night of the soul will never again be something one must face on one’s own. Many a night did Lady Diana push away the brick that held the wire mesh on her cage, in what I assumed was an attempt to come to me and ease my loneliness. The fact she often became lost and wound up knocking over the garbage cans and eating all the rotting fruit is of no consequence. But that is why the eight hours of amber LED light will always burn, helping reassure the world that no one else need ever be lost.

Additionally, the Intermatic LZ417-8W Malibu Plastic Solar Lights cost nothing to operate, running completely from the sun’s energy, which it gives freely. This is good because apparently gila monsters aren’t allowed in my community and right now my money is tied up in heavy fines.

Lady Diana would have been very happy to see you all here today, both of you. In a very true way, you were her family, just as if you had laid the egg from which she hatched, or fought off six to ten other males to fertilize her mother with your gila protuberances. This eight pack of Intermatic LZ417-8W Malibu Plastic Solar Lights marks a place to which all of us can go, a place of quiet, a place of love. And maybe, here, the world will remember a shy, venomous creature who wanted nothing more than to make a better place in which everyone could live, side by side, as brothers and sisters. Except you, Martha, whom he constantly attacked.

After the lighting of the Intermatic LZ417-8W Malibu Plastic Solar Lights, please join me in the kitchen for punch and cookies. I ask you to remember that there is a slight chance the punch has been contaminated with salmonella, as Lady Diana often enjoyed sleeping in the punch bowl when I was away, and, in her memory, I have never since washed it. Thank you for coming.

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