When it came time to poison my husband, I knew just any old coffeemaker wouldn’t do.

Believe me, ladies, you’ll probably never undertake as important a project as mariticide. So trusting yours to anything less than the Krups KM5055 is crazy. And I mean literally insane.

If you’re anything like me, you appreciate quality craftsmanship. You want technology to make your life easier, not more complicated. And you have a drawer full of silverware that whispers to you at night about your husband’s predilections for consorting with infernal succubi. You deserve a well-made coffeemaker, just as sure as that execrable witch-pimp deserves his deliverance from the mortal plane.

One great feature of this Krups twelve-cup brewer is its weekday/weekend setting. How convenient is it for your coffeemaker to know when to automatically turn on? Let’s face it, when you’re conspiring to close a portal to the demon realm by snuffing your hubby because he turned out to be a secret necromancer plotting to unleash the arch-fiend Anarkanais-Z upon our earthly kingdom, you don’t have a lot of extra time to be messing with a high-maintenance coffee-brewing machine.

Ooh, I almost forgot! It also has a “pause & pour” feature—great for those busy mornings when you don’t want to wait for a whole dozen cups to brew before giving your chthonian spouse his first dose of the day. What’s that, honey? Smells like almonds, you say? I don’t know, must be this new roast I got at Trader Joe’s, because it’s definitely not cyanide, I’ll tell you that right now.

I first heard about the Krups KM5055 from Joy Behar, who embeds secret coded messages in her quips on THE VIEW. In a series of such transmissions, she repeatedly issued a charge to “seek the water twice pure,” which I didn’t understand until I heard about this coffeemaker’s DuoFilter Water Filtration system. It works to eliminate unwanted flavors from your water. That’s classic Joy, to say it all obscure like that, but I guess you never know who’s listening, no matter how hard a language Cryptobeharian is to learn.

Anyway, I’m pleased to report that it’s been working out really great for me, and it shouldn’t be more than another couple rounds of “treatment” before my husband no longer poses a threat to ultimate metaphysical balance. I’m just letting you know because I don’t drink coffee myself, so in case you were looking for a coffeemaker of your own—either to brew up your morning cuppajoe or as a tool to help you deal death to the secret diabolical ghoul in your marriage—I’d be willing to sell you mine used, real cheap.

I promise I’ll rinse it good!

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