Toots, let me give you some advice as your agent. You wanna take your career to the next level, a regular old sex tape isn’t enough anymore.

Back when I got into the business – the old days, ‘06, ‘07 – all you had to do to make a hit was check into a hotel room with your boyfriend and a tripod and let nature take its course. Nobody cared how grainy the picture was. Just shoot it and leak it. You’d be in torrents by the next morning and on bootleg DVD the day after that. Those were the days, kid. You missed ‘em.

These days, you wanna keep up, you need a sex tape that really showcases your talents. You gotta show off your moves and your look in spectacular detail or you might as well keep your clothes on and watch Sportscenter. You need HD. And you’re lucky. Not every actress can handle HD. But from what your surgeon tells me, you’re pretty blemish-free. So you got that going for you, which is nice.

Now, it just so happens that your friendly neighborhood agent has this MoviePix 8MP HD DV Camcorder right here in his office. Never let it be said that I don’t earn my 27 percent, right, Toots? It shoots in 720p directly to SDHC cards, which makes it easy to take the footage straight to the Internet. Now the fixed focus kind of sucks, and it only has digital zoom, which is less than ideal. But crappy focus will help give it that realistic look that’s so essential to a sex tape.

No, sorry, I can’t loan it to you. My wife would kill me. But what we can do is go ahead and shoot the thing right here in the office. No, I’ve got a lunch thing, so we can’t wait around for your boyfriend. But I’ve been working out, and I showered yesterday, so I could easily stand in for-

Oh, OK. OK, yeah. You’re not comfortable with the idea. Got it. My mistake. Listen, you remember that actress who beat you out for that two-episode part on How I Met Your Mother? She flew a three-man crew to Paris to shoot her sex tape. Next week she’s reading for Hotel Rwanda II.

What? Really? You sure? Great. You just made a smart decision, Toots. Now let’s open up this futon and make you a star.

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