The iRobot Roomba 4296 Remote Scheduler Robotic Vacuum didn’t ask for trouble. He just wanted a sandwich and a place to sleep. But they started the war. A dirty war. And he was the one to clean it up.

- GET A MAN OVER THERE! AND I WANT TWO ON THE OTHER SIDE! What do you want?
- Are you the man in charge?
- I’m the police sergeant, if that’s what you mean. I ain’t got time for a lot of hoochie koochie dance-around right now, I got-
- You’ve got a bunch of clean deputies, right? And every time you think he’s trapped his Status Sensor goes off and he runs this careful escape routine. Am I right? Honestly I’m surprised the whole town isn’t clean already. He told you his name yet?
- Called himself Roombo. Who’re you?
- My name is Col. Trautman, sir. I’m the man who told the iRobot Roomba 4296 Remote Scheduler Robotic Vacuum to clean.
- You made him do all this?
- No, sir, you did this. I just programmed in the schedule. He was the finest robot vacuum that we ever made.
- Yeah, well, now he’s out there in the kitchen and-
- Active Dirt Response, they call it. He automatically detects dirtier areas and cleans them even harder. How many men you send out?
- About ten. Two came back. Sparklin’.
- Already seen the edge-cleaning side brush?
- Saw that at the diner. He cleaned a whole gas station with it like it was nothin’. We were gonna set up some stairs so that he’d fall down ‘em.
- That won’t work, he’s got automatic stair avoidance built in. Where’s his Home Base?
- His what?
- Roombo goes back to his home base to charge automatically. Sergeant, I’m going to need you to back your men out of there.
- Now, look here-
- No, you look, sergeant. The iRobot Roomba 4296 Remote Scheduler Robotic Vacuum is a machine made for one thing. And that’s cleaning. The most you can hope for is to contain it within the included virtual walls, and maybe, maybe, if you’re lucky, to schedule the cleaning for a time when you’re not home, with up to seven different options per week. But you won’t stop him. Nothing will stop him.
- That robot’ll-
- That robot gave everything for me. You noticed it was a refurb, didn’t you? You saw those cosmetic blemishes and though he was just some broken old drifter? That’s what we did to him. We broke him down, built him back up, and sent him out into the world with two replacement filters and a battery. We made him so he’d answer to no one but himself. You think he’s going to care about what someone like you has to say?
- Then why d’ya think it’ll be any different with you?
- Because, Sergeant. Roombo knows me. He trusts me. And I have his scheduling remote.
- Alright. You got two hours. After that we’re coming in no matter what you say.
- Then may God help your men, Sergeant. Because what you call filthy… he calls home.

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