They say it’s an age of specialization. Phooey, says I. I say if everyone can become vinyl guy, then no one is vinyl guy.

You people are killing me with the USB turntables. I mean that figuratively, of course. But speaking figuratively, you are literally killing me. You are literally slicing my veins open and leaving me to bleed out on the street, figuratively. Literally.

I’m the Vinyl Guy, don’t you see? I’m the guy who makes the crazy mixes. I’m the guy who posts the .zip files of obscure records in forums. I’m the guy who’s always got the perfect out-of-print recording ready to play on iTunes at a moment’s notice. That’s me! I’m that guy! Vinyl Guy!

But now look. Now anyone with a few bucks to spend on a USB turntable can be that guy too. Soon all these Johnny-Come-Latelies will be elbow-to-elbow with me at the record bin at Goodwill, picking over all the best stuff before I get to it. I effectively had exclusive dibs on that record bin for years. Now what? I gotta wake up early to beat the USB turntable crowd to the new inventory?

This happened to me once before, you know. For several years, I was the Photography Guy. That was a great way to meet girls, too. “Hey, I’ll do your head shots,” I’d say. “Cool!” they’d say. Then everybody started picking up digital SLR cameras and suddenly instead of “cool!” it was “oh, my boyfriend said he’d take them for me. Thanks, though! You’re sweet.”

So I became the Vinyl Guy. No one’s going to get back into vinyl, I thought. I can own this. All those weird Hawaiian records that never made it to CD, I’ll be the only one who has them. I’ll pick up the complete works of the Tijuana Brass for 50 cents an album. I’ll have a bunch of crazy, great, forgotten ‘80s soul records none of my friends have ever heard. I’ll mete them out to people—the right people—track by track. I’ll make mixes for parties. I’ll DJ the cool kids’ wedding receptions. I’ll be indispensable to the scene.

Unless, that is, someone starts manufacturing an affordable, easy-to-use turntable for converting LPs to mp3, and it’s all plug-and-play, and gives you great sound, and just like that everybody can be Vinyl Guy, and I’m back to just being That Guy Who Smells Kind Of Funny.

Which, incidentally, IT’S GLANDULAR, OK?

Oh, well. It was a good run while it lasted. Maybe now, with everyone having these turntables, there’ll be an eBay market for my record collection. If so, I can liquidate it and invest the proceeds into becoming Model Rocketry Guy.

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