If you want moist fingers, get them the old-fashioned way: By hand-feeding sheep.

Uh-oh, looks like the good folks at Germ Guardian have been reading your “Stuff I Didn’t Know I Needed” list! Shoot, they could have written it. Because right there between “complete set of Antediluvian patriarch coffee mugs” and “long-handled razor for shaving back,” in big, bold, permanent marker, is the Germ Guardian Ultrasonic Digital Humidifier. With clock.

Let’s face it, man is a humid beast. He needs a certain amount of moisture in the air, or his skin cracks, his nose bleeds, and his eyes itch like the dickens. Or her. We could use pronouns of either gender here; aridity doesn’t discriminate on the basis of sex.

It’s not just your body that suffers in a dry climate. You could get cracks in the wood, drywall and plaster that makes up your house. That’s right, even though it’s called “drywall,” there’s a limit to just how dry you want it to get. When it’s dry enough to make the skin on your knuckles go all chalky and crack open and bleed, and every doorknob you touch throws an arc of static electricity at you—that right there is too dry.

Fortunately, you can pick up Germ Guardian’s Ultrasonic Digital Humidifier. It emits either warm or cool mist, depending on what’s called for. It’s quiet (though not totally silent). It has an adjustable spray control for low, medium, high and turbo misting. And it has no filters to worry about replacing. Plus it has a clock. Why they don’t put clocks on everything, we’ll never know. Name a line of products that wouldn’t be better with a clock on it; we challenge you.

Prophylactics, maybe. But that’s it.

Sure, it’s a little too big for a night stand. And, like all ultrasonics, it generates a fine white calcium carbonate dust unless you use distilled or deionized water. But that’s better than the fine white dust your bedroom accumulates now—from the Dust Bowl of dead, dry skin you’re sloughing off every day. Humidify, dude.

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