Have any doubts that we’re raising a generation of pampered pablum-fed Pollyannas? Take a look at the cartoons that Grandma and Grandpa grew up with.

None of the talented hacks in the old-time cartoon studios were worried about modeling alternative methods of conflict resolution. They could give a hoot about phonetics or proper nutrition. (OK, except for Popeye’s spinach.) Their paychecks depended on getting a giggle out of little Billy & Betty Moviegoer. Nothing was off the table: speech impediments, tobacco use, fat guys sitting on chairs and breaking them, punching your romantic rival so that little birds fly around his rapidly-swelling skull.

Don’t buy the misty-eyed vision that the past was “a gentler time”. This tin holds over 60 hours of animated dynamite guaranteed to make any PTA scold’s brain collapse. From the undiagnosed ADHD of Woody Woodpecker to the steroid-crazed vigilantism of Mighty Mouse, from the pipe-puffing vitamin addict Popeye to the supernatural occult phenomenon Casper the Friendly Ghost, there’s scarcely a frame in this box that would be allowed anywhere near little Kaden & Kalyn Videowatcher. It all comes from good intentions, we’re sure.

But just ask yourself: which cartoons whipped Hitler? If we want to stop the next power-mad genocidal dictator from enslaving the Earth – and we’re pretty sure we’re all in agreement on that one, right? – crack open the tin, dim the lights, fire the nanny in your mind, and give the kids their Popeye, their Felix, their Woody Woodpecker yearning to peck free. It’s all in the name of freedom.

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