You always hurt the ones you love. And if that’s the case, today’s FM Auto Scan Radio proves that we love you like Domino’s loves a LAN party. We cannot stress this enough, you will be happier just keeping the penny.

So about four weeks ago our intern made a bet with the supplier that the Patriots were going to have a perfect season. It seemed like a great idea at the time, and the CEO even commended his forward thinking. Then, as we all know, the Giants pulled it off. And now our intern hasn’t shown up to work in a week and the supplier just delivered a little pile of FM Auto Scan Radios.

Think the name Lax Max carries a certain level of quality? What about KORUSA? You’ll be getting the same radio even if they aren’t all branded the same. Think of the Brady Bunch, only set it in a trailer park and imagine everyone is drunk all day. You know, like the Spears family.

We do notice that most of the boxes mention that each FM Auto Scan Radio is “100% Downloaded” and you’ll be happy to know that you’re getting a battery cover. That’s what we’ve gotten our hands on, a radio that couldn’t get a ribbon on Everyone’s A Winner Day even if it was on the same team as Han Solo and Batman. You don’t even get to pick the color. WE pick the color! For all you know you’ll get white and then someone will beat you up to steal what they think is an iPod shuffle and then notice it isn’t an iPod shuffle and come back and beat you up again.

There’s a choking hazard for children under 3. You can’t get a signal unless you actually work IN a radio station and even then you have to “scan” to find it. There are ear buds included but we think they are the larval form of that brain parasite from Star Trek II. In fact, that’s the only way that the FM Auto Scan Radio makes sense, if it was sent by lazy aliens to take over the planet. Do your research, Xenu!

We can’t even beg you to take these. We can’t even dare you. This is our E.T. cartridge. This is our Fiero. The only reason you want one of these is to save someone else from having it. Seriously. Just come back tomorrow.

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