Mr. Speaker, this bill is intended to deal with a disturbing new threat facing American families: loud, obnoxious toys with no volume control.

While many Americans enjoy playing with toys, trinkets, “collectibles”, and other items that emit sound, a free and sovereign people must have the right to control the level of that sound. Indeed, such a right is fundamental to the American way of life. Mr. Speaker, I ask my esteemed colleagues: what do Adolf Hitler, Mao Tse-Tung, and Ivan the Terrible have in common? The answer, of course, is that none of them ever required toy manufacturers to include volume-control knobs on their noisy toys.

Now call me an iconoclast, but I disapprove of Hitler.

That’s why my bill would force these terrorists of the ear to finally give the American people a say in their own destiny. No more will the Family Guy Talking TV Pals blare over 30 quotes from the program at invariably ear-puncturing levels. Under this legislation, orphans and widows will finally be able to place Family Guy Talking TV Pals on top of their TV and use their remote control without fear of a sudden sonic attack.

I come not to silence Brian and Stewie, but to make them keep it down a little. As it stands today, sirs and madams, the Family Guy Talking TV Pals are free to wail and scream and holler and shriek as they please, without the moderating influence of a volume control knob. And that, Mr. Speaker, is what Founding Father James Madison would have called “getting on my last &^%$#@ nerve.” Thank you.

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