So a certain juiced-up slugger claims a tainted home-run record while wearing orange and black. Then along comes the Creative Zen V Plus 1GB Media Player clad in – you guessed it – orange and black. Just a coincidence...or is it?

At the roundtable inside Fort Justice, the headquarters of the Super League of Heroes, today:

The Green Bomb: So then I blew him up. Same as I always do, pretty much. I don’t think Dr. Unpleasant will be giving us any more trouble.

General Freedom: OK, I think we’d all like to knock off early here, so if there’s no further business, that concludes this week’s -

The Retributator: Wait. Wait. I have to make an announcement.

Nightwitch: I beseech you, don’t tarry. I must return to my crypt by -

The Retributator: Yeah, yeah, by sunrise or you’ll melt. Don’t worry, this won’t take long. I’m quitting the League.

Sunboy: But…

Moongirl: ...why?

The Ogre: BLLRRRGGGGG!

General Freedom: I hope you’ll reconsider. But I know you’ve always preferred to work as a loner, a shadowy figure on the fringes of society.

The Retributator: No, that’s got nothing to do with it. It’s about the Secret Santa this year.

The Green Bomb: You mean when I blew up that canister with the three different kinds of popcorn? Come on, everybody else thought that was funny!

Sunboy: We thought it was…

Moongirl: ..hilarious! And we were the ones…

Sunboy: ...who gave it to him!

Nightwitch: My Vision Occultic sees something else troubling you. A disturbance.

The Retributator: Yeah, well, it wasn’t the popcorn. It was the crappy gift I got from the Ogre.

The Ogre: RRRRWWWWLLLL!

The Retributator: I don’t even know what this is, or was. It’s just a twisted hunk of metal. Great, just what I need around the Retribucave. Lucky me.

The Green Bomb: I could blow it up. Might be fun.

The Retributator: It doesn’t matter. I’m quitting.

General Freedom: But surely you won’t let something as petty as a Christmas gift interfere with our mission to defend the planet, thwart evildoers, and bring justice to the darkest corners of the galaxy?

The Retributator: Oh, sure, that’s easy for you to say. You got the Creative Zen V Plus 1GB Media Player. You get storage space for 200 songs, an FM tuner, a voice recorder, and a 1.5” OLED screen in a compact, attractive orange and black player. I get a trashcan personally squished by the Ogre’s aromatic derriere.

The Ogre: BBLLLLGGGGRRRGGGLLLL!

Sunboy: Sorry…

Moongirl: ...big guy.

Sunboy: You could use…

Moongirl: ...a shower once in a while.

The Green Bomb: But yeah, what about truth? Liberty? Justice? All that crap?

The Retributator: General Freedom gets a present from Nightwitch, who has mystic control over the essence of life itself, and I get one from a big gray brute who can barely figure out how to use a doorknob? Where’s the justice in that? Besides, I thought the price limit was twenty bucks. No way she got that Creative Zen V Plus for that price.

Nightwitch: Not so! By kismet, I happened to be up at midnight, when my computer monitor transformed into a mystical doorway to electronics bargains beyond mortal ken.

General Freedom: It’s clear there’s only one way to heal the divisions in our superteam. Retributator, please, accept my Creative Zen V Plus 1GB Media Player as a token of how badly the League needs you.

The Retributator: Really? But – I can’t -

General Freedom: Really. If I must make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good, I will, for that is what it means to be a hero. Here, could you pass this over to the Retributator?

The Green Bomb: Sure, I -

BOOOOOOMMMM!

General Freedom: Hey! You blew it up!

The Green Bomb: Aw, dammit, sorry about that. Forgot about the whole exploding-touch thing. I’d buy you another one, but I’m kinda between gigs right now, and -

The Retributator: Forget it. I didn’t really want it anyway. It was the thought that counted. Super League unite!

Everybody else except the Ogre: Super League unite!

The Ogre: GGGGGRRRRRGGGGGGLLLLL!

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