Scurvy season is upon us, and soon kids will be coming home from school all pale, with scorbutic gums, spotty thighs, and bloody noses.

Thank goodness for my Breville Citrus Press! Its stainless steel juicing cone, with its unique, multi-tiered fins, makes squeezing the good stuff from an orange as easy as crushing a baby bird to death.

That is—as physically easy as crushing a baby bird to death. Because, you know, emotionally, it would be hard to do that. It just wouldn’t be very much physical work, is all I’m saying. Baby birds are very delicate. You know what? Actually, the more I elaborate on it, the more certain I am that I have chosen a horrible metaphor. Let’s forget I ever mentioned baby birds.

Of course, this citrus press doesn’t just work on oranges. It can achieve the total empulpification of any citrus fruit, from little-bitty limes to gargantuan grapefruits. Whatever you’re squishing, the press’s dome thing centers it on the spinning juicer-cone. Put your hand on the soft-grip handle of the “Active-Arm System” and, as Don Martin might have said: SPLORCH.

Observe, as the delicious fruit fluids filter through the basket of your choice, giving you pulpy or not-so-pulpy juice, according to your preference! (What kind of person, though, prefers less pulp? No kind I want to know, that’s for sure.)

The parts are easy to eject and clean, though I almost never clean ours, since we rarely go fifteen consecutive minutes during scurvy season without juicing another few fruits. You can never drink too much O.J.; that’s our motto. Really. We’re getting it translated into Latin for a new family coat-of-arms.

Scurvy is a truly wretched disease, and I thank the fates every day that I’ve got a Breville citrus press to help me keep it from laying claim to my family.

And you know what? Now that I think of it, our heavily juice-intensive diet might ward off leprosy, too. I mean, none of us has come down with a case of it since we started on this citrus kick. That couldn’t be coincidence.

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