Hi, Mom. Happy Saturday! Figured I’d call while making my morning cup of coffee.

Yes, it is early, but I figured it might be nice, you know, having breakfast with my Mom the way I used to. Kinda got the idea from my Keurig Elite B40 Gourmet Single-Cup Home Brewing System, and how it just makes a single cup of… well, no, I mean, I do go out to the clubs sometimes, but just because it’s a Friday night doesn’t mean I have to bring somebody home and… yeah, but Mom, the Keurig Elite B40 Gourmet Single-Cup Home Brewing System can make an 8 or 10 ounce cup in seconds, it’s not like I’m just sitting around all day in my kitchen. I just figured that since you and Dad finalized that divorce you might be waking up early and… oh, you just got in? You were at a club? Where they let you do shots off of… gross. Mom, gross! I don’t want to hear about that! Why do you think I’d want to hear about that? I don’t even go to places like that with my friends! Wait, what do you mean by “maybe you wouldn’t only need one cup of coffee if you did?”

I just wanted to call and catch up over the phone, maybe share a few stories… yes, but not THOSE kind of stories, Mom! I’d rather put my head in this removable 48 ounce water reservoir than listen to a story like THAT. No, I don’t care that you won a hundred bucks, and I don’t even want to know how. Just… look, let’s talk about something else, okay?

My plans? Well, I was going to read, probably, maybe take a nap or go online for a bit. Oh, you were going to the beach? Well, that sounds… oh, THAT beach. Ew, Mom. I don’t need to know about… oh, is that the pool boy I hear in the background? You better be sure to tip him, Mom, because I don’t know too many nineteen year old kids who get up this early just to work a weekend job cleaning… you know what, Mom, maybe this breakfast chat was a bad idea after all. I’m just gonna go pour all the coffee in my Keurig Elite B40 Gourmet Single-Cup Home Brewing System down the sink, and go back to bed, so I can pretend this is all a dream. And maybe I’ll call you on Tuesday next week, same as usual. Does that sound good?

Did I just hear a whip cracking against metal? Yeah, you’re right, it is better not to ask. Love you too, Mom. Bye.

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