If you were considering a Stanley Intellisensor with 30ft Locking Tape Measure, be aware that it can locate studs and wall materials. That’s professional quality! So try to never use it yourself.

Good morning. As head of the Brotherhood of Un-amateur Taping Traditionalists, there are a few things that I feel need to be made clear. First, and most important, if you purchase a Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure you’re probably damning your immortal soul.

Measuring, you see, is a very specific profession. When you use a Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure to measure the length of an object, or maybe find the distance between two different objects, you’re essentially stealing from the many people who have spent their whole lives learning how to measure. But it’s not just them. It’s also people like the old man who sells hot dogs to the guy who does the measuring. Who’ll buy that hot dog now? And did we mention that old man is blind? And has cancer? Or what about the diamond miner who would have carried an uncut gemstone to the millionaire who’d resell it to a dummy corporation that would transport it across international waters to resell it to a jeweler who’d put it in a pinky ring that measurer would later buy? A poor miner like that might not make his precious thirty cents a day, simply because YOU decided to buy a Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure.

But maybe you’re not the metaphysical type. Well, then, let’s make it clear: owning a Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure is completely illegal. Not illegal in the way where courts have decided it and issued rulings, but the other kind of illegal. That means, as far as the Brotherhood is concerned, every time you use the Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure, you’re risking a jail sentence. And no one wants to go to jail.

Third, your safety might be at risk. The Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure uses electronic signals to find studs, joists or live, unshielded AC wires in drywall or other materials. Our in-house experts assure us that, in the event of a nuclear attack, owning a Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure will actually draw the missiles toward you, resulting in a slow, painful death that leaves an ugly and unfashionable corpse.

We at the Brotherhood of Un-amateur Taping Traditionalists beg you, for your own safety and piece of mind, please avoid the Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure at all costs. Should you need to measure a thing, contact a trained professional who charges the most expensive rate that you can afford. Remember: using a Stanley Intellisensor Pro Stud Finder with 30ft Locking Tape Measure hurts us all.

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