Nobody expects those cheesy ”’80s Greatest Hits” CDs to really feature the true greatest hits of the decade. Aside from Defender and Joust, these 12 games are the Falcos and Kajagoogoos of the arcade. But everybody still likes “Der Kommissar”, right?

Tired of working your pathetic, demeaning, go-nowhere, dead-end, penny-ante, Mickey Mouse job? Yeah, us too! That’s why we decided to be our own boss with a lucrative new career in the arcade industry. In just minutes, we transformed our basement from a dusty spider sanctuary into a dynamic, profitable video game arcade – and so can you! Here’s what you’ll need:

• The Midway 42400 12 Game Tabletop Arcade System, with 12 arcade classics crammed into one tabletop unit. Running the gamut from Defender to Defender II, these low-res favorites will be a hit with any neighborhood kid whose PlayStation is broken. The 14” CRT is a little small, but at least it’s authentic. Remember: the more units you buy, the more revenue you can capture. But since there are no coin slots on these machines, you’ll have to collect the quarters yourself, by hand. Which brings us to the next item on our list…
• One of those cool change belts with the metal tubes that dispense coins. Of course, this wasn’t a problem for us, since we already wear one. But it’s not just for looks anymore!
• Black carpet. For maximum verisimilitude, spill Mr. Pibb on it in a few spots, and stomp some Doritos into it for good measure. Invite neighborhood pets to “break in” the carpet however they please. It’s not a true arcade carpet until you can smell the crud.
• Assorted hoodlums, lowlifes, and riff-raff. A key element in any successful video arcade is a vague sense of danger. Hire a couple of vaguely threatening but essentially harmless suburban hoodlums to give the place atmosphere.
• And finally, give your arcade a pathetic, exploitative name. Something like “Planet Arcade” or “Vic’s Video Funhouse” or “Lazerz” will send the right message to your clientele: you don’t give a damn about video game players, or even understand them, but you’re willing to make a buck off of them anyway.

Congratulations! You’re on your way to financial freedom with the Midway 42400 12 Game Tabletop Arcade System. And you can tell that crummy job of yours: GAME OVER!

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