Look, kid, I didn't want to say anything in front of your mom, but if you don't start doing something cute here soon, we're going to sell you to gypsies.

I've read enough fairy tales to know they're out there, missy, and they'll pay top dollar to get their hands on your tears and tiny curls for their spells. Well, not dollars, really. I think they do silver pieces. Whichever. The point is you can either give me something adorable to post to YouTube, or you're going off with the first caravan of wagons that comes by.

Don't get me wrong, kid. We don't want to do it. But formula costs money. Diapers cost money. Those little scrunchy headbands your mother INSISTS on putting on your head all the time cost money. And that fancy water birth with the candles and the new age music? That stuff wasn't cheap, either. In fact, we've already made a considerable investment in you as it is. All I'm asking is that you give a little back.

I can tell by your confused look and the flailing that you don't understand. It's simple, really. I'm going to hover over you with this JVC Everio HD Camcorder and YOU are going to do something other than sleep, cry, or lying there like a lump of wiggly meat like you've been doing. I don't care what it is you do, either. You can cackle madly or be afraid of your own farts, whatever you want! The Internet is fickle, though, so try to be unique about it, okay? I know you've only been around for like a month now, but I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you can...

No, no, don't go to sleep! Sigh. Fine. You just keep resting there like you have for a total of about fifteen hours today. I'll just look up the silver to dollar exchange rate here on my smartphone. Don't mind me.

Back to top