Hi. I carry a Gerber Bullrush Multi-Tool. Would you like to date me?

I don't mean to brag but I use my Gerber a lot. You see, when you're in my dangerous line of work, you need tools for every--what's my line of work? We'll get to that. But check out my Gerber's full-size plier jaws which can cut through...things. Like this napkin. See that? Ol' napkin won't be bothering us anymore, yep. What? Listen, why are you so interested in my job? It's dangerous, ok? Just...here, look at the screwdriver heads on this, why I could screw just about anything. Unrelated: let me dim the lights. Let's take off our shoes. Here, let me help you with these strap cutters. There, shoes are off. Sorry about your shoes. I'll get you some tape later. Oops, I accidentally turned on some smooth jazz. That's me! Yeah, it's my solo album. Just did a Kickstarter to fund it. I mean, no one contributed but I did attempt to raise--ok fine, you want to know my job? I run a leaf blower at the zoo, but I wasn't lying, there's dangerous animals all around me. Penguins and--oh hey, don't go, I haven't even shown you the serrated blade.........aw nuts. 

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