You may as well just stick me in a locker now, because an atomic wedgie isn't going to cut it.

Well hello there, Mr. Bully. You're looking exceptionally bullyish today. What's that? You want my lunch money? And what if I just say no? Oh, you're going to pull my underwear over my head until I yell "uncle" or the waist band breaks, whichever comes first? OK then. Go ahead. Give it your best shot, pal.

I suspect right about now you're wondering why it is that I'm not even flinching. No, I'm not just putting on a brave face. But I did put on my Fruit of the Loom briefs this morning. You see, their comfortable cotton compliments their construction and allows them to rest smoothly on my skin, even when pulled taught and crammed into crevices in which they were never meant to be crammed.

Go ahead, give that waist band another good yank, if you must. But I'm telling you now, your energy would be much better spent giving me a swirly or a really good noogie. The elastic in these is the smoothest, softest and sturdiest elastic for underwear in the world. So what can I say? You win some, you lose some. Don't feel too bad, though. There's always tomorrow.

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