Soylent Complete Meal Replacement Shake

This isn’t food. This is a cry for help in liquid form. Soylent Original tastes like someone blended cardboard, added a pinch of despair, and said “good enough” before bottling it for the masses. It’s not sweet. It’s not flavorful. It’s not even neutral. It’s actively offensive in its blandness — like your mouth got ghosted by flavor itself. The texture is smooth, but that just makes it easier for the psychological damage to set in. I gagged on the third sip and started questioning my will to live. It’s technically "nutritious," but so is a multivitamin chewed dry in a dust storm. And yes, I bought it on Amazon, because apparently I enjoy making bad decisions in bulk. Let’s not stop there though: if you really want the full I hate my life package, go drink this abomination in a Hilton hotel room while trying to navigate the flaming dumpster fire that is the Amazon Fire Stick — which, I swear to every god imaginable, is the single worst piece of tech vomited into existence in the last 25 years. Slow, glitchy, useless — basically the Soylent of streaming devices. Final Warning: Never — and I mean NEVER — drink Soylent, try to use a Fire Stick, and stay at a Hilton on the same day. Unless, of course, you want that to be your last day on Earth. In that case, congratulations. You’ve unlocked the unholy trinity of modern misery.