I’m getting my act together. Getting cleaned up. Going straight. That’s why, when it came time to buy a hose reel, I had to get one with no crank.

Taking care of my Dad’s yard is one of my favorite ways to kick back these days. There’s just something so satisfying about a neat, trim, lush lawn. Hard to believe it’s the same lawn where I threatened a cop with a curtain rod just six short months ago. In my defense, I was under the impression that he was a goat-headed emissary from Satan who had dropped down from a black helicopter to harvest my skin. You’da done the same thing in my position.

No such horrors ‘round these precincts any more, though. Not since I detoxed, rehabbed, and picked up the No Crank CS-100 Hydro Power Auto Rewind Hose Reel. Just flip a lever and boom, the hose winds itself right back onto the reel with the power of water pressure. No tangles in the yard. No hose marks on my immaculate lawn. No batteries. No electric. And best of all, no crank.

That’s important to me right now at this point of this stage in my life that I’m living. I need to stay away from the crank. And I need to stay away from my old friends. Because half of ‘em used, half of ‘em dealt, and the other half were imaginary.

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