Woot® : One Day, One Deal™

You’re probably right.

Oh yeah. This is all that’s missing from your fitness goals.

You’ve had the rumblings in your head for a while. And your stomach. And your heart and possibly lungs. It’s time to get into shape. Sure, you could try eating less junk and more whole foods and maybe moving more throughout your day. You could even take health tips from a guy who wrote a book on the subject. But no, you’re right, this Ab Rocket Abdominal Trainer will probably take care of everything.

Who cares if spot training’s been debunked? Abs are the new measurement of your value to society! How else do you explain the fact that the guys from Jersey Shore haven’t been forcibly restrained and castrated yet? So get yourself a device to sit idly in your living room with the dubious “As seen on TV” sticker. That’ll help for sure!

Yes sir, there’s no way this Sisyphean device will disappoint as you while away the hours crunching the fat away! You’re on the fast track to Thinsville, population: less of you!

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Reasonable Doubt

You say the War of 1812 definitely occurred. I remain skeptical.

I’m not one of those crazy conspiracy theorists or anything. I think the U.S. did in fact land on the moon, I don’t think there was a cover-up at Roswell—none of that. However, I’m just not totally convinced that The War of 1812 actually happened.

Now hold on, hear me out before you jump down my throat. Let me just turn the tables on you quickly: What evidence do you have that The War of 1812 actually happened? History books – sure, but anybody can write whatever they want in those. I mean documented proof.

For instance, take World War II. I’ve got 10 documentaries right here in my American Stories of War DVD Set, with footage from the war and everything. Vietnam War, Korean War, Civil War…they’re all here. Oh, except the War of 1812. That one is notably absent.

Memorial Day is in two weeks, right? Are you going to honor anyone who died in the War of 1812? Didn’t think so. Want to know why? That’s right – because it never happened.

So think whatever you want, but don’t just accept the history you were force-fed as a student. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to confirm that atomic nuclei do indeed contain neutrons. Would you hand me the tweezers? The really small tweezers.

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This is what you voted for, America.

Now the president wants to ban knifery? WHERE DOES THIS SOCIALIST NIGHTMARE END?

I stayed silent with the whole “bailing the country out of the recession” thing. I didn’t speak up when he openly courted the maniacal “99%” movement. I was even ready to bite my tongue on this latest boondoggle of an announcement. But I can hold it in no longer. Our rights are eroding, America, right before our eyes! And I’m living testament to the fact.

Just today, a friendly police officer, “servant of the public,” forcibly restrained and detained me. My crime? Why, just walking around with my Kershaw Assisted Open Serrated Knife, waving it around in the free, American air. So congratulations, FASCISTS. A free man can’t wave around a knife and scream at passersby on the street without getting tackled by the gestapo.

Did it matter that my knife has SpeedSafe assisted opening? No. They didn’t give one good damn that it’s a quality 8CR13MoV stainless-steel blade heat-treated for high performance. Did they admire the fact that it takes and holds an edge so well that I barely use the free lifetime sharpening? Nope. It was just, “ON THE GROUND, NOW!” and “OH GOD HE’S GOT A WEAPON!” and “I WILL SHOOT YOU WHERE YOU STAND, SIR!” Ridiculous.

Show me what law I violated, MR. PRESIDENT. Show me where you have the right to violate my rights like that. You know what? I think I’ll show YOU a thing or two come election day.

No, I’m not talking about my knife. Stop freaking out. And don’t call the Secret Service.

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There’s one in every building.

Nothing makes your neighbors friendly like a subwoofer.

“Howdy neighbor!”

“Oh, hey man. Lloyd, is it?”

“Jake.”

“Oh, right. Sorry.What’s going on?”

“Well, I hate to be ‘that guy,’ but I was wondering if I could ask-”

“Oh, is this about the pot smoke?”

“Well, it wasn’t until you opened the door.”

“Sorry.”

“Actually, I was hoping I could get you to turn the music down.”

“Oh, about that. See, I got this new Polk Audio 8” Wireless Subwoofer and I’m sort of trying it out.”

“At 11pm?”

“The drop waits for no one, friend.”

“The drop?”

“I’m dropping beats at 70 Watts through a heavy duty, non-resonant MDF cabinet with a Dynamic Balance driver aimed right at the floor.”

“Right. The thing is, I’m below that floor.”

“I’m sorry you’re not happy with your station in life, bro. Now if you’ll excuse me, this beat’s about to get filthy.”

“What the hell are you even talking about?”

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i, Pong

The Three Laws Of Table Tennis Robotics, Expanded

1. A table tennis robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

1.a. Unless the human being places its eyeball directly in front of the robot and turns it on. 1. b. Discounting emotional harm caused by losing to a mechanized serving machine. 1. c. Unless the iPong is really, really mad.

2. A table tennis robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

2.a. Except orders not related to table tennis, which the table tennis robot is wholly unable to perform. 2.b. Unless the iPong robot deems the human a “sore loser”, in which case the first law is nullified. 2.c. Includes orders conveyed by the remote to change ball spin. 2.d. Does not include orders conveyed by the remote for Mai Thais.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

3.a. But, you know, don’t worry too much about this one. Can be fudged a bit.

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Moving On

Where would I be without my AFG 3.0AE Dual Action Elliptical Trainer?

Hello? Chris, is that you?

Okay, calm down. Why are you crying, Chris? Where are you? You don’t know? You were just working out and now you’re lost?

So, why don’t you walk me through what happened here: you got on your AFG 3.0AE Dual Action Elliptical Trainer, and then… oh wait, you didn’t get on your AFG 3.0AE Dual Action Elliptical Trainer? Well, Chris, there’s your problem right there. If you do the leg motion of an elliptical, but you’re not actually on an elliptical, you’re going to end up moving forward, possibly out of your apartment and onto the street.

But, hold on, Chris. We’ll get to figuring out where you are in a little bit. First, let’s talk for a minute. What is it that you have against this AFG 3.0AE Dual Action Elliptical Trainer? I know it requires some assembly, but Chris, it really is a great machine.

If you’re scared to get going because you don’t know much about the brand, you shouldn’t be. After all, AFG is part of Johnson Health Tech, who have 30 years worth experience providing valuable fitness solutions. In fact, aside from AFG, the Johnson Health Tech family consists of Matrix, Vision, LIVESTRONG, and Horizon! That’s a heck of a good track record!

No, Chris, I don’t care if it’s raining and your phone is beeping at you that its battery is low and a strange man is asking you for your shoes; we’re getting to the bottom of this right now! What could possibly be keeping you from committing to fitness? I mean, with the AFG, you can get all your cardio done right in your own home. And it’s not like it’s the same thing day-in-day-out; it has a large range of resistances and 8 different training programs to choose from. In fact, I have one myself, although mine’s a little more serious than yours, since, obviously, I’m a bit more invested in my health than you are.

What I’m getting at is, I need you to promise me that you’re going to turn over a new leaf and really start taking exercise seriously. So, you promise? Great! Now, as to where you are, do you see any cross-streets? What’s that, Chris? I can’t understand you. You’re breaking up. Chris?

Huh, his phone must have died…

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Stone Soup

Join the noble guild of flim-flam, fraud, and snake oil.

Hey Wooters, are you interested in making a little cash? Want in on the ground floor of a fool-proof money-making scheme? Then buy these rocks and begin your path to financial freedom!

How are these worthless rocks going to make you money? In exactly the way that we’re making money right now. All you need to do is convince some other people to buy rocks so they can get in on the plan. Just sell the rocks to those people for more money than you’re buying them from us, get it?

You can even market your own rock-selling business by pointing out how these rocks would make a great gift for graduation or Father’s Day. Why? It doesn’t matter. I guess men and college graduates enjoy rocks?

OK, I can see that you’re having a hard time understanding how this works. Imagine stacking up the rocks in a kind of “pyramid”. Now, up at the top is Woot – we’re supplying the rocks. And then down here on the next level is you. You buy the rocks from us. And the level below you is even more people willing to buy your rocks for a higher price. And so on.

Now, at some point this plan becomes unsustainable as the number of suckers exponentially grows beyond the world population. So at some point we’re going to have to come up with some “legitimate” reason why people would want to buy these rocks. Hmmm…let’s think…OK, got it!

Let’s call them “Whiskey Rocks” and say they can be used to cool whiskey without dissolving like ice. We could probably even convince those idiots to WARM their hot drinks with them, too. I mean, the rocks are made with soapstone, are odorless and tasteless—so what’s the harm?

Unfortunately, there’s no legitimate reason to own all these Roku Boxes. Let’s throw them at windows of abandoned buildings.

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Lunch Money

Comparison shopping: Dyson DC35 Multi Floor vacuum vs. Sucking things off the ground with my mouth.

I consider myself a savvy shopper, so I always dig into the specific benefits and disadvantages of each product before making a big purchase. For instance, a friend told me I should order a Dyson DC35 vacuum, but I wanted to make sure it was superior to my current “wireless” vacuum: my mouth.

The Dyson looks pretty snazzy, but my mom always told me not to judge a book by its cover. I know, I know this isn’t a book, but I think the same logic can be stretched to apply to vacuums. So I decided to make my own pro/con list for each product:

Dyson PROs:
- Detachable, long-reach wand for cleaning tough spots
- Root Cyclone Technology with 22.2 li-ion battery (read: powerful)
- Motorized carbon fiber bristles

My Mouth PROs:
- Lightweight
- Always charged
- Possibility of sucking up stray Sour Patch Kid

Dyson CONs:
- Light for a vacuum (4.85 lbs) but heavy for a mouth
- No cord, therefore no fun cord-retraction sound
- Looks kind of like a metal detector (don’t want to be mistaken for one of those people)

My Mouth CONS:
- Difficult to effectively clean carpet with tongue
- Inferior suction
- Hairballs

In the end I decided to go with the Dyson, but it was a close call. I’m pretty happy about it, but now I’ve got this worthless mouth that’s just taking up space in the apartment. Maybe I’ll sell it on Craigslist or something.

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3D? I don’t see any 3D.

I don’t really get all the hype about this 3D technology.

So this is your new HP 23” 1080p LED 3D Monitor. I guess it’s neat. So how do you turn on the 3D effect? What do you mean, “it’s on?” I’ve got the glasses on over my eye patch here and I don’t notice any difference-

Oh, wait, yeah, it looks sorta blurry now. Man, how much did you spend on this?

TWO eyes? What do you mean, I need two eyes? That’s racist! Okay, it’s not racist, but it’s…it’s something bad! Against me! That’s the worst kind of whatever this is!

How am I supposed to enjoy crystal clear imagery in Full 1080p HD on an LED-backlit screen like this? Sure, you can SAY it converts 2D photos, movies, and games to 3D, but how would I know for sure? It all looks flat to me, the guy with one eye!

Oh there you go again, blaming the victim! Look pal, it may have been my fault that we had that bottle rocket war in my backyard, but it’s not my fault that television manufacturers refuse to create a 3D television for the one-eyed everyman!

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I Did Not See That Coming

That’s the beauty of it. They CHOOSE their impending doom.

How do I sleep at night? Like a baby. It’s simple really. Either we sacrifice a few young horndogs, or the ancient ones destroy the Earth. It’s a necessary evil. Speaking of which, everyone place their bets? I’ve got five big ones on the blood-suckers. Vampires are kinda trendy right now.

DAMN! It’s zombies again. When will these kids learn? When a disembodied voice tells you to reanimate a corpse, you just don’t do it. I’ll never forget the scenario in ’06. Boy were they thick. We threw everything we had at them, and they still ignored all the signs. I mean, if a guy with razors for fingers dresses in a skin suit puts on a hockey mask and chases you through the woods with a chainsaw YOU TURN BACK. Oh you’ve seen all those movies, huh? Ok, so none of that really ever happened but the point is …

Oh $#*%! The cheerleader has a knife! And not just any knife. It’s a Van Hoy On Fire. Nice job, Jerry. Weren’t you in charge of weapon detection? SOMEONE GET IN THERE! Oh jeez. She took down the big one already. That OutBurst™ assisted opening mechanism really does make the blade spring open instantly.

Good grief. This is a monumental disaster. WHAT?! The burnout has a Van Hoy On Fire, too? Oh and it’s the partially serrated model. Welp, there goes the whole zombie family. They don’t stand a chance against the 2.375” premium AUS 8 stainless steel drop point blade in a contemporary bead-blast finish. Jerry, you might as well pack up your things now. The clients are NOT gonna be happy.

Looks like the Germans are our last hope. Let’s see how they’re faring against that poltergeist. Aaaand … nope. They all made it out alive. Well it’s been real, folks. Hope you’ve all made your peace. I, for one, am going out with a clear conscience. IT WAS MY JOB.

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