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Here’s a question, girls. What is very thin and has wings?

A butterfly? No, it’s a Coby 2GB Media Player with Slide-Out Speakers!

It’s thin! This media player is ultra discreet. Small in size and thin to boot, no one will be able to tell you’re carrying one if you don’t tell them. No more embarrassment!

With wings! Integrated stereo speakers swivel out from the back, helping you feel secure and comfortable in social situations where you want to share your heavy musical flow. It’s the only media player that can!

Plus, you get a 2GB flash memory core that can absorb up to 1000 songs or 8 hours of video, so you’ll never miss a drop of on-the-go entertainment. And when your MP3 collection feels “not so fresh”, switch over to the built-in FM tuner for a renewing clean feeling.

Always stay free with the only thin media player with wings! I think this baby’s gonna fly!

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Look What The Cat Dragged In

A nice Philips 19” LCD TV will make the alpha pack leader happy. Bring one home to show you value their companionship. They’ll be so pleased with you.

“Oh, is this for me? What a good hunter you are! Yes, what a good hunter!”

“You talking to me, Suzie?”

“No, Darren, you can’t even find two socks that match without help. I’m talking to the cat. He’s just brought me the most wonderfulest little present ever! Oh, what a strong little hunter! Yes, he is! Yes, he is! Mommy’s so proud of you! Darren, can you come take care of this for me please? Just put it in a napkin or something.”

“Oh, man. Really? That cat is so annoying. I can’t believe I have to clean up after him again. What is it this time, kitty, a dead squirrel? Or a ripped off mouse head or a… whoa! Suzie! That’s a Philips 19 inch LCD TV!”

“I know! He’s such a good little killing machine! It must have been in the neighbor’s garden, Darren, you know how our sweet widdle kitty loves to hide in their lettuce. What a brave little beast you are. You’re soooo good. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Go on, Darren, take it outside.”

“Suzie, this thing has a 1440×900p resolution! And two HDMI inputs! And it even lets you plug in your PC!”

“Yes, it does, it probably wouldn’t really be a good day-to-day monitor though. But don’t make a big deal about it, you’ll hurt his feelings. Just put it on the back porch like you did with the blue jay corpse. So good. Yes, such a good kitty.”

“The back porch? Honey, this needs to go in the bedroom! It’s even got Dolby! This is fantastic!”

“Oh, no, I’m not having that thing in the bedroom. Who knows what kind of diseases are all over it? Put it outside right now.”

“Honey, come on. You said it yourself, it’ll hurt his feelings! He brought us this Philips 19 inch LCD TV out of love. Or maybe he was worried that we weren’t enjoying our television watching to the fullest. You know, they say cats can sense things like that. Isn’t that right, buddy? Isn’t that right?”

“Darren, is this a guy thing? Because I don’t see why you’re so impressed with a 19 inch television.”

“How did you even carry this thing home, cat? Hey, you know what? I don’t care. Let’s you and me go watch some HDTV football. You even can sit up front and try to catch the quarterback when he runs. I won’t swat you away today. Won’t that be fun? Huh? Huh, buddy?”

“Darren, you are not seriously going to-”

“Hey, honey, me and the cat are gonna be watching television for a while. Can you run out and pick up some beer and some cream? And maybe some potato chips and tuna? You want some tuna, right, buddy? Aw, you and me are gonna be best friends now. Hey, tomorrow, see if you can drag back an X-Box or something, okay? There’s Daddy’s little hunter. Yes. Yes, he is. Yes, he is.”

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O Caputonia, Our Home And Native Bungalow

I, Imperial Generalissimo Jerry Caputo, hereby declare the Cuisinart Grind and Brew the official coffeemaker of the people’s kingdom of Caputonia!

Once the thrill of independence starts to fade, you realize that declaring your house a sovereign nation is a lot of work. There are stamps to print, monuments to erect, bribes to accept. And for a young nation like mine, not yet certain of its place in the post-colonial world, cross-border tensions are always running high, especially with that nosy old bat next door who defaced the Caputonian flag I erected on top of the privacy fence. She keeps saying that it’s “her” fence and threatening to sue, as if a U.S. court has any jurisdiction over Caputonian affairs.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s good to be the Imperial Generalissimo. But despite the unanimous support of the population (me and my three goldfish), the business of the state wears heavily on such a small government staff (me and my three goldfish). So I often indulge in a time-honored Caputonian tradition that I just invented: brewing up a cup or two with the national Cuisinart Grind and Brew Cofeemaker. It’s fully programmable, does both the grinding and the brewing, and when I’m late for an international summit or a public beheading, the Brew Pause feature lets me grab a sip or two before the whole pot is done. I like the goldtone permanent filter so much I’ve already promoted it to Minister of Economic Money Business. Don’t worry, it’ll still have time to carry out its coffee-filtering duties. It’s mostly a ceremonial position.

Now, I have to send my top espionage agent (me) on a mission to gather information on the capabilities of the U.S. convenience-store industry. In my absence, affairs of state will be run by the Parliamentary Congress of Senators (my three goldfish). But rest assured, fellow Caputonians, that I’ll swiftly return to my beloved motherland. And my beloved Cuisinart Grind and Brew Cofeemaker, with its elegant Ital- er, Caputonian styling.

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Charter a Chillicopter Nonstop to Chillsville

Hey, all. It’s me, Hesus J. Laptop here. It’s been a long week on the run, and I’m ready to cold kick it the most.

It’s a grind, man, shuttling from home to the office to the worksite all week. That kind of life will wear a laptop down on the real. So when I’m not on the road, I have to make it a number-one top priority to chill 100% of the way out.

I’m a master of chillaxation, too. I’m what they call chillegitimate. I’m highly chillogical, captain. I’m like Yo-Yo Ma, but I’m virtuosic on the chillo. If I was an ungulate, I’d be a chilldebeest. If I was a rodent, I’d be a chinchilla. Emphasis on the “chill.”

My favorite place to get my ergonomic lean on is at the Targus Chill Hub. Talk about a chill spot. It’s great for when a laptop just wants to settle in and get comfortable in an RoHS-compliant venue. Whenever I’m docked at the chill hub, I feel cooler. Like, up to 28% cooler. And that helps my performance, if you know what I mean.

Plus, it’s a great place to be seen. The cable management keeps me looking my best, and the adjustable stand props me up to my optimal viewing angle.

Hey, I know a lot of my time is going to be spent trying to get some work done on the go, in this or that corner of the office, at building sites, on planes, in hotel lounges, in coffee shops. That’s what laptops do. We’re road warriors. But all the more reason to make a point of treating myself right when I can. And for me, that means hanging at the Chill Hub. It’s chillustrious, bro. If it was a crushing weapon, it’d be a chillelagh.

And I should know. Because I’m functionally chilliterate.

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Smooth Smoothback’s Bleeenderrrrrr Song

Every eye in Stanky’s Place, whether clouded by cheap whiskey or sharpened by the street hustle, turned toward the iron shadow darkening the doorway. Private dick Hamilton Beach was back in town.

Beach gave the alkies and the punks a minute to feast their eyes, to imagine what his massive chocolate fists could do to them, to wonder what savagery lurked behind the snow-cold eyes. Then he strode over to the bar like a panther, if a panther looked this good in a leather jacket over a turtleneck.

“Now, I don’t want no trouble, Mr. Beach,” Stanky simpered from behind the bar, mindful of what happens to those who mess with Hamilton Beach. In his sweat-soaked undershirt, with his open hands held up before him in a feeble defense, he looked like a decrepit point guard. Sign him up for the Homeless Globetrotters, Beach thought, and threw his head back in a rich, deep laugh. Stanky started sweating in places he’d never sweated before.

“Is it any trouble to pour a brother a drink?” Beach asked, with the same casual menace on display in his walk and the terrible laugh.

“Not at all, not at all,” Stanky said, almost relieved. “Can I get you a Crown & soda, or-”

“No, no.” Beach waved him quiet. “I’ll take a smoothie.”

The bar fell silent. Beach knew everyone in the cramped, filthy room was following their conversation. He’d known they would. He’d counted on it.

His face a half-melted mask of bewilderment, unsure whether to laugh or run out the back door, Stanky asked, “A smoothie?”

“That’s right. Strawberry-banana, if you got it. If not, just banana’s fine.”

Open-mouthed, Stanky tried to think of some way to say “no” to this apparition of simmering power. He didn’t have to. Ray-Ray, a penny-ante hustler in a hundred-dollar hat and twenty-dollar dental work, oozed out of the shadows and tapped Beach’s right bicep with two heavily ringed fingers. “Hey, man. You looking to get smooth?”

“You know it,” Beach said. “You got the hookup?”

“Don’t even worry about it,” Ray-Ray drawled through his permanent sneer. “I got this blender make you drop to your knees and holler hallelujah. I’m talking about 700 watts of peak power and a 56-ounce double-wall thermal jar. You just come with me, I’ll show you a good time.”

“Is that the one with the wave action system to force the mixture down into the blades, for a smoother blend? And with cup-activated dispensing that eliminates the mess of pouring?”

“Damn straight. Now you wanna follow me over to my place, or ULLLLKKK-” Like a soul cobra, Beach’s arm sprung at the man’s neck, his granite grip tightening around Ray-Ray’s throat. He pulled the thrashing, bug-eyed hoodlum’s face close to his.

“I know those specs, fool. And I know you got my blender. It ain’t pro grade, but it’s mine, dig? We’re going back to your place, all right. And if there’s so much as a scratch on the Hamilton Beach Wavestation Dispensing Blender, you won’t just be making smoothies – you’ll be the main ingredient.”

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Comin’ at you with the best tracks on wax

Yeah, I’ve heard all the rumors and hearsay about how digital media is taking over the market. Phsst. Whatever.

Let’s get something straight. I’m lazy. Laaaaaazy. Even having this conversation with you wastes valuable time I could be using to do absolutely nothing. So when it comes to digital music and video, I just shrug it off and go back to waiting for the paint to peel.

When I got this Sandisk Sansa Fuze 8GB Media Player as a gift, I thought, “I should probably try to use this. I guess.” The computer is way on the other side of the room, though, and getting up to use it seemed like a bit of a strain.

Then, I discovered the FM Radio tuner. Holy cow. You know they play music for free on the radio? You don’t have to buy anything or make any kind of effort other than tuning in on the receiver. And they play all kinds of music, no downloading or scouring the Internet for new and exciting bands required. The radio tells me exactly what to like! Who knew? The Sanza Fuze also allows me to preset up to 40 different stations, which can be a lot like that Shuffle feature everyone talks about if I close my eyes and call up a random station.

Sure, I could use the 8 gigs of storage for a lot of music or watch videos on the crisp 1.9” color screen, but that involves money and effort, two things I don’t spend easily. I’m sure the built-in voice recorder is nice for folks that want to use their mental energies thinking of something to say. Not me, though.

Whew. All that talking has me kinda winded. If you’ll excuse me, I should really get back to watching the grass grow.

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You can always depend on the kindness of strange beings

That’s a mighty fine rig you got there. Is that German? Japanese? You say that’s Andromedian? Well, she’s a beaut, either way.

Thanks for stopping to give me a hand here. On these backwoods roads, you never know when somebody is gonna come by to help you out when your truck breaks down. I’m guessin’ a lot of folks up and run screamin’ when you set that vehicle of yours down next to ‘em, but, in all my years, I’ve never been one to turn down help from anyone willin’ to give it. I sure do appreciate it.

Guess you boys decided to stop when you saw the Honeywell Autolite TriGlo Road Safety Light? You know, I bought these things knowing that they were durable, great in all kinds of weather, and compact. When you do as much travelin’ as I do, you know you’re gonna need some kind of warning light, too, and the warning triangle can be seen from about five hundred feet. I guess I never thought about it being seen from five hundred feet up.

Could you just hold that TriGlo light a little more to the left, little guy? Pretty handy that these safety lights can double as flashlights, I gotta say. Good for checking the engine or lighting the way to a gas station, if there was one around. You boys might think about grabbing a couple of these on your way back to… where’d you say you were from again? Kylar 8? Oh, Kylar 7. My mistake.

Say, if you don’t mind, could you lower the volume a little? I don’t mind you speakin’ right into my brain, but it’s a little loud.

Ah, there’s the problem. Danged carburetor’s busted. Well, heck, I don’t suppose you fellas got anything that can fix a… what’s that? You say this here glowin’ orb will work? Won’t even need gas or anything? Boy, I’ll tell you, I don’t care what those sci-fi movies say. You little guys are alright with me.

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You can’t spell pizazz without messed-up pizza

You can take all your museums, your local music, your architecture, your literature, your coastlines, your mountain vistas, and cram them down your pie-hole.

Your pizza pie-hole, that is. Because when it comes to regional character, there’s nothing that defines a place like having its own local pizza style.

Ask your average Joe Paintsmock whether he prefers the Field Museum or the American Museum of Natural History. He’ll probably bust your glasses for being such a Poindexter! But ask him whether he likes his pizza Chicago-style or New-York-style, and watch his hostility instantly evaporate as he engages you in a discussion of the relative merits!

Watch it evaporate as best you can with no glasses, anyway.

Consider Saint-Louis-style pizza, with its weird, matzoh-like crust and tooth-adherent regional cheese product! Or California-style, made in wood-fired ovens and topped with stuff yuppies like! Have yours New-Haven-style, or Detroit-style—all places known worldwide by the idiosyncrasies of their pizzas!

Before this month is over, you’ll be able to add Rolando Campbell’s house to that list of pizza meccas. I’m buying a stainless steel DeLonghi countertop convection oven big enough to cook two twelve-inch pizzas, and I’m going to make the next big pizza innovation. Maybe I’ll marinate my toppings in vodka. Maybe I’ll use baloney instead of crust. Nothing’s off the table. This is the brainstorming phase, where I don’t critique ideas, I just generate them.

Whatever I dream up, my DeLonghi oven will be the perfect tool to get it out of my dreams and into my guts. Its trademarked Durastone II enamel interior works with fan-circulated hot air to make sure heat’s distributed fast and evenly. Whatever I’m cooking, it’ll be perfectly browned outside, moist and juicy inside—and 30-40% less time. Then when it’s time to clean up? Squoosh, squoosh, just wipe the enamel with a damp sponge. After it cools off, of course.

This is going to be huge! No longer will maps of the pizzaverse have a blank spot where Utah should be! I’ll go down in history as the guy who first thought to serve pizza as a hot beverage, or with chewing gum on it, or whatever I end up inventing! Gourmands, I hope you’re ready to revise your almanacks. Rolando Campbell’s house is about to rank among the world’s great places!

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It’s A Complicated Bag And No One Understands It But Its Woman

Who’s the luggage cat that’s really great at holding clothes but still lightweight? Rolling Duffle! Right on.

“And so anyway, Janet, I told that fella right away, I said ‘Look, I’ve been a front desk check-in attendant for long enough to know that… oh, my! Rolling Duffle!”

Ladies. I’m just going up to my room now.

“What, you know that piece of luggage?”

“Janet, that’s the Sharper Image 24” Rolling Duffle! He’s the baddest piece of luggage the city’s ever bred! Did you know that sturdy ergonomic handle system has custom skate wheels?”

“Mmmm. I could tell that by how he filled that polyester fabric. Whoever he is, he sure looks good in tangerine.”

“Whoever he is? Janet, you’ve never heard of Rolling Duffle?”

“Baby, I’m a busy woman. I can’t keep up with every piece of ultra-lightweight luggage, even if they do have front/side quick access and internal zippered lining.”

“Janet, shah! He’s coming back! In yellow this time! Like Bruce Lee!”

Ladies. Can you point me towards the karate room?

“Yes, sir, Mister Rolling Duffle. It’s to the left, then a right, then the third door on the left after the ice machine. It’s right next door to my room.”

I’ll keep that in mind, dollface.

“Janet! Janet! He called me dollface! I think I’m… I’m gonna… faint…”

“Oh, no you don’t! I ain’t working this front desk alone all night. What’s with you, anyway? You and this duffle have a fling? You in love, girl?”

“In love? Janet, every woman’s in love with Rolling Duffle. He’s the bag that won’t let you down no matter if you’re going abroad or just across the town! He’s got the finest Santoprene zipper pullers and a full TSI branded lining. And they say he can hold your clothes all night, if you understand me!”

“And here he comes now, too. You better check yourself, honeychild, he’s in purple this time. How many clothes this luggage cat got?”

Can one of you fine ladies tell me where the soda machine might be?

“Yes, Mister Rolling Duffle. It’s right beside the pool. I was thinking about taking a swim after work, in fact, so maybe I’ll see you there. I forgot my suit, though. But you wouldn’t peek, would you, Mister Rolling Duffle?”

Stay smooth, baby.

“Janet! Did you hear that! Where’s the phone book, I need to make a waxing appointment.”

“Baby, stop! Baby, baby, stop! Listen! You can’t let no luggage just use you like that! Sure, this Sharper Image 24” Rolling Duffle is really nice, and smooth, and sexy, and has that great voice, but you can’t keep chosen’ him down like this! Listen, let’s you and me go out tonight. You get your best dress on, we’ll hit the bar and find us a couple of real men. Men who… who…”

I’ll be stepping out for a while, ladies. Please leave any messages in my box for when I return.

“Yes… yes sir, Mister Rolling Duffle. And… can I say… you look great in gold.”

Thank you, baby doll.

“What was that you said, Janet? That he was just another piece of luggage? That he couldn’t just use us like that?”

“Shut up and find me his room key.”

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The Weed of Crime bears bitter fruit. Crime does not…

Hey, get that light off me!

“Oh, money! Moneymoneymoneymoney. It feel so nice to roll around on a bed made of all my ill-gotten gains. Ben Franklin, you are the world’s best cuddler.”

“Enjoy your rest while you can, criminal scum.”

“What’s that? Who’s there?”

“It is I, The Shade, defender of the innocent, avenger of those who have been wronged by your ilk.”

“The Shade, eh? Well, come on out and face me like a man! Show yourself!”

“Heh heh. You’d like that wouldn’t you? No, thief, I will stay here in the shadows, using these powers I picked up while traveling through East Asia to cloud men’s mind so that they can not…”

“Oh, hey. There you are.”

“What is this?! How can this be? No man has ever breached my invisibility!”

“Nothin’ too terribly hard to figure out there, Shade. I just followed your voice and shined this Garrity Rechargeable LED Flashlight I keep plugged into the wall for emergencies in that general direction. Mostly, I just keep it there in case the power goes out ‘cause it automatically turns on so’s I can find it, but this works, too, I guess. I don’t know why no one has ever thought of this before.”

“GAH! So bright… can’t escape into the darkness…”

“Nope, and since this here gem provides up to 10 hours of continuous light on a full charge and has LED bulb that never needs replacin’, I’d say you’re not going anywhere any time soon, hero. Hey, Jimmy! Guido! Get in here and get this scumbag, will ya?”

“Impossible! My hypnotic gaze will OW OW OW NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE.”

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