Woot Sellout

There’s no one as manly
As our good friend Stanley
Yeah, Stanley’s as butch as they come
Stan can cut down a tree
Stan can stand up to pee
Stanley’s abs are as tight as a drum

Stanley’s tall and hirsute
Stan wears big steel-toed boots
And Stan understands perfectly why
Every batter’s called out
We’ll ask “what’s that about?”
And Stan says “force at third; infield fly.”

No there’s no one as manly
As our best pal Stanley
When Stan’s on a big macho trip
Stanley farts and starts fires
And brandishes pliers
With a super-strong no-slip type grip

Stanley won’t use crap tools
That’s just one of Stan’s rules
So Stan’s pliers are chrome-nickel steel
But Stan’s frugal with loot
Bought these pliers from Woot
Where Stan got an excellent deal

No there’s no one as manly
As our good friend Stanley
So it just might give you a shock
With that broad, hairy chest
You might never have guessed
Stan’s a chick, she just has hormone levels outside the so-called “normal” ranges—pretty crazy, right?

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Dear Sansa:

As someone who has appreciated your products for a long time, I would like to raise a concern that I share with literally dozens of other purchasers of your Sandisk Sansa Clip 1GB MP3 Player. Bear in mind that we have no quarrels with this player’s lightweight design, 1” LCD, 1GB of storage space, FM radio, easy drag-and-drop sync, or any other features – except the clip that gives this player its name.

I believe we are all children of God. Recently, like so many others, I have come to the conclusion that we should walk in the world exactly as God made us. I refuse to give the Devil the power of shame and embarrassment over me. So I have stopped wearing so-called “clothing”. After nearly eight decades of clothed life, I cannot express how liberating this has been, both physically and spiritually.

Of course, this presents a challenge to my enjoyment of the Sandisk Sansa Clip 1GB MP3 Player. Lacking clothing, I have no means to clip this player upon my person. I have tried my ears, my lower lip, the loose folds of skin on my chest, and many other locations on my body, some more sensitive than others. I have now been to the emergency room four times as a result of these attempts.

Needless to say, I also have no pockets.

I wonder if you might trouble yourselves to suggest an alternate means of securing the Sandisk Sansa Clip 1GB MP3 Player while I am travelling. Failing that, perhaps a hat-borne or headband-mounted edition of the player would suffice. As far as I know, the Devil has nothing to do with hats.

Thank you,

Walter Gambrell

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Everyone loves to use the microwave. But it’s so hard! In this age of education budget cuts, who can tell what the numbers mean? And poor dietary habits means you can hurt yourself pushing the buttons. Ow, that stings!

Thankfully, there’s the Orion OC-1 Stainless Steel Convection Cooker. Just like the constellation from which it is inspired, the Orion OC-1 Stainless Steel Convection Cooker uses molten rocks (aka charcoal) to spread heat evenly and smoothly. Take a look at the list of things you can cook. Quick, huh?

The two step process of convection and steam allows your food to cook the natural way. This is the same method used by the Hawaiian kings of old, who used it to suffocate and melt the virgins assigned to the volcano gods. And don’t forget the bloodthirsty druids! When you add wood to flavor that salmon, you’ll feel just like a High Priest, standing beside the largest Wicker Man he can find.

You’ll get three rib hangers, three cooking grates and a poultry stand with a lifting handle that can hold a 24 pound turkey. And according to the Bank of England, 24 pounds is about fifty bucks US. What a bargain!

Don’t waste your time with strange new technologies that may be the work of alien captives. Use the power of convection and steam, just like the cavemen did, with the Orion OC-1 Stainless Steel Convection Cooker.

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There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who appreciate this Emerson 32-inch LCD HDTV for its sharp 1366×768 resolution, 170° viewing angle and terrific image quality—and total dirtbags.

Now, maybe you haven’t made up your mind yet which kind you are. Maybe you never heard what it means to honest, dependable, good-hearted citizens to bask in the glow of Emerson’s 720p screen. Maybe you didn’t realize that the only people who spurn the opportunity to do so are horrible, horrible cretins who smell like rotting beans and who practice cruelty to animals just for fun.

That’s fine, have a look at the specs below and figure it out for yourself. Maybe you’re an Emerson fan, maybe you’re a puppy-torturer, that’s up to you. But pick a side, and soon. Because if we ever come over to your house and don’t see an Emerson 32-inch LCD HDTV in your TV area, we’ll have just one question for you.

And that question will probably be how to get to the highway, or can we use your phone or something, because why else did we come to your house? We don’t even know you. Oh, by the way, there’s a lovely blu-ray player for sale on the main site today. If you’d want that sort of thing.

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Paper and pen have been around a long time. But it’s not their fault. It’s not their fault you got a paper cut. It’s not their fault you needed a sharpener. It’s not their fault that they aren’t compatible with most graphic software like Painter and Photoshop. Maybe they’re right, but then… what have they been doing all this time? DigiPro 8” x 6” USB Graphics Tablet with Cordless Pen.

 

klikI think we’re liking that, Lance, but Mr. Tablet is thinking maybe it’s time to go a bit more positive. You got any other ideas for him?

It’s a new age. A bold new morning. And not just for you. This is a world where technology matters. DigiPro 8” x 6” USB Graphics Tablet understands this world. He understands you need real feeling as you draw. 512 levels of pressure real. He knows a signature is a binding promise and he’ll work to make that promise as good as kept. DigiPro 8” x 6” USB Graphics Tablet. The future, today.

 

klikHey, I think that’s a winner, Lance! Great job! We also need one that focuses more on Pen whenever you’re ready.

When you ask yourself about safety, ask yourself these questions. Who’s proven themselves to have the ability to control and edit function like a Pen Commander should? Who can write to Word documents? Who brings Annotate and PenMail to the table? There’s only one choice. DigiPro 8” x 6” USB Graphics Tablet with Cordless Pen.

 

klikThey want to mention Pen comes with a AAA battery included but we’ll loop that in when we get to post. Great work, Lance! Come to the booth and we’ll introduce you to the candidates! Mr Tablet really wants to say thank you!

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Hey, Greg-Dog, how they shakin’? You, good buddy, are the lucky recipient of a coveted invitation to my 2nd Annual Holiday Indoor Bar-B-Q! We’re gonna throw all kinds of meat on the grill, from steaks and ribs to ostrich burgers and gopher fillets. What? Oh, you know, it tastes like chicken. Plus, a special live performance by my buddy Looch’s band, the Nitro-Burning Pitbulls of Blues, a wet Santa suit costume, and unlimited Nog ‘n’ Jack shots all night long! Listen, do you have an extra-small Santa suit, because we hired this midget -

What? Aw, you still moaning about that? Look, man, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And you can’t have an indoor bar-b-q without singeing a few eyebrows. Anyway, it don’t matter, ‘cause I learned my lesson. This year, instead of setting charcoal on fire, we’re firing up my Breville 800GRXL Indoor BBQ & Grill. It’s a die-cast, non-stick grill that opens up flat for easy Q-ing. And actually, we got three of those puppies just waiting to start sizzling. No, no, not three real puppies – I meant three grills. You ever seen three Breville 800GRXL units lined up, all full of meat cooking, all that grease sliding down into the drip tray so we can use it later? It’s a beautiful thing, man.

So I can count on you, right, Greg-Dog? Right on, brother. Oh, and hey, listen: leave the baby at home. Looch’s band has a couple of real pitbulls up on stage, and they been known to be a little snippy around the young ones. Later!

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Why am I mad? Why am I mad? I’ll tell you why I’m mad. Because my so-called best friend, a man I’ve known my whole life, a man who I used to trust, that man just tried to convince me that my Hot-Or-Not-Ometer is actually a Polaroid 7” Digital Picture Frame with Wireless Weather Station. Can you believe it?

I only asked him over to show how the Hot-Or-Not-Ometer rates the photos of bikini girls. I filled the 32MB of storage with all my favorites, and then I put on slideshow mode. As each picture shows up, you can see a temperature underneath. And yeah, it was usually the same temperature, but that’s because I’ve got good taste! But he tried to convince me that this so-called Polaroid 7” Digital Picture Frame with Wireless Weather Station, and that the temperature was coming from this imaginary “wireless outdoor sensor” thing that for some reason he thought I had buried in the mulch pile. Hello, you mean where I threw the garbage left over from when I opened the box?

Now I’ll grant you that the 7 inch color LCD screen might have thrown him off. And everyone makes mistakes. All he had to do was say that he was sorry, and we could have laughed the whole thing off over a beer or two. I was all ready to tell him about the included remote, and even let him try it out. Just let bygones be bygones is my motto. But he didn’t stop. He kept telling me that the Polaroid 7” Digital Picture Frame with Wireless Weather Station was an excellent resource to get information from a wall mounted or desk placed image. And I just said dude, if you’re not the same guy who used to rate waitresses with me at Hooters, then you can just get out right now.

It hurts to have misjudged a guy for so long, but I guess I didn’t need him. I’ve got my Hot-Or-Not-Ometer, so I’ll be fine. Hey, check that out, it even tells me how humid the girl is. That’s good to know before you start a relationship. Polaroid 7” Digital Picture Frame with Wireless Weather Station? Whatever.

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“Why not the Tune Cube?”

The only reason
is stupid educationicity.

*******************************************

I have demonstrated absolute
irrefutable

proof of 6 available colors of four-cornered Tune Cubes

operable with any audio source with 3.5mm jack

in a single rotation of Earth.
No other deal-

a-Day web site can claim such sonic
manifestation.

Portable, foldable, running on 4 AAA batteries??

The academic audiophile mind
is poisoned

and can’t comprehend Tunic Cubic convenience.

**********************************

Evil Ass Marketers Suppress
Tune Cube,

and dumb ass consumers condone
such evil.

Cubeless listeners are spreaders
of evil,

and students lack mentality
to challenge it.

************************************************

I bestow upon myself the “Doctorate
of

Tunicism”, for audiophiles are
ignorant of

Tune Cube Foldable Speakers

and cannot bestow the prestigious
honor

of wisdom upon the wisest human
ever.

Dr. Gene Pool

Wake from your audiophile sleep “AMERICA”

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You should’ve seen the system I had. So powerful, so fast, so many features. And the monitor? Please. Your eyeballs’d think they’d died and were looking into monitor heaven. Sometimes I’d stop and wonder what that fine, fine PC was doing with a mug like me.

Well, I didn’t have to wonder long. After the – what? – sixth, seventh spill, she told me to choose: either her or the Red Bull. I hesitated to answer. That was answer enough for her. She was packed up and gone quicker than you could say “Turn power switch to OFF before disconnecting power supply.” And there I was, still looking for salvation at the bottom of a skinny aluminum cylinder.

That’s what brought me to the QuikTrip that night. I was pretending to browse the drink refrigerator, as if there was a chance in hell that I’d pick up an Arizona Iced Tea. I just didn’t want the counter guy to mark me as a Bullhead, that’s all. But I was so wrapped up in the act that I didn’t notice her until she was practically in my shirt pocket.

“You look like a man who stays up late,” she whirred, with a voice like a velvet audio card. I sized her up: 19” LCD monitor, keyboard, mouse, the whole bit. Runs Windows Vista Home Basic – I could smell it on her. I could just make out the curves of a 160GB hard drive underneath that case. And I’d bet there was a small, tired AMD Sempron™ Processor 3000+ and 512MB DDR2 SDRAM somewhere in there, too.

“As it happens, I’m all out of warm milk.” I knew her type. Cheap. Nothing special. Ready to jump on any desktop if it’ll buy her a few months or days or hours of comfort. And suddenly I remembered how my desk had some empty space at the moment.

“Everex GS3005,” she said. “Pleased to meet you. And you are?”

“Looking for company.”

No, she wasn’t Miss Right. But she was Miss Right In Front Of Me.

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Murderers. Double murderers. Triple murderers. Multiple murderers. What do all these careers have in common? That’s right. They, along with millions of adulterers, embezzlers and copywriters, love that first cup of morning coffee.

But coffee isn’t just for social deviants. And that’s why they make this refurbished Breville K-Cup Coffee Machine. Why shouldn’t honest, hardworking Americans be able to enjoy the same great tasting K-Cup single portion coffee?

Unfortunately, we know the answers to that question. The first is “because no coffee is included”. This one isn’t so bad, it’s easy to find the K-Cups and order them to your house. You can also find them at Bed Bath and Beyond (probably in the Beyond section unless you like bathroom coffee). And remember, the K-Cups mean that the 64 ounce water reservoir holds nothing but water, so there’s no carafe to hold the flavor of old coffee. You get a fresh mug each time.

The second is “because you’re missing some stuff”. Sure, the Breville K-Cup Coffee Machine has a storage compartment for the reusable K-Cup (it’s the only K-Cup machine that does!) but, well, you won’t actually get that reusable K-Cup. You also will be lacking a scoop and a water filter. But rising to the occasion is what makes this country great! Why not try a spoon? Or make a filter from chicken wire and spaghetti? This is your chance to reinvent the wheel!

So stop looking down from your ivory tower and wondering if you can ever wake up. Use the refurbished Breville K-Cup Coffee Machine to join the millions of horribly maladjusted people who start each day with a hot cup of coffee. Because no matter what’s wrong with it, it’ll still taste better than Starbucks.

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