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Smooth Smoothback’s Bleeenderrrrrr Song

Every eye in Stanky’s Place, whether clouded by cheap whiskey or sharpened by the street hustle, turned toward the iron shadow darkening the doorway. Private dick Hamilton Beach was back in town.

Beach gave the alkies and the punks a minute to feast their eyes, to imagine what his massive chocolate fists could do to them, to wonder what savagery lurked behind the snow-cold eyes. Then he strode over to the bar like a panther, if a panther looked this good in a leather jacket over a turtleneck.

“Now, I don’t want no trouble, Mr. Beach,” Stanky simpered from behind the bar, mindful of what happens to those who mess with Hamilton Beach. In his sweat-soaked undershirt, with his open hands held up before him in a feeble defense, he looked like a decrepit point guard. Sign him up for the Homeless Globetrotters, Beach thought, and threw his head back in a rich, deep laugh. Stanky started sweating in places he’d never sweated before.

“Is it any trouble to pour a brother a drink?” Beach asked, with the same casual menace on display in his walk and the terrible laugh.

“Not at all, not at all,” Stanky said, almost relieved. “Can I get you a Crown & soda, or-”

“No, no.” Beach waved him quiet. “I’ll take a smoothie.”

The bar fell silent. Beach knew everyone in the cramped, filthy room was following their conversation. He’d known they would. He’d counted on it.

His face a half-melted mask of bewilderment, unsure whether to laugh or run out the back door, Stanky asked, “A smoothie?”

“That’s right. Strawberry-banana, if you got it. If not, just banana’s fine.”

Open-mouthed, Stanky tried to think of some way to say “no” to this apparition of simmering power. He didn’t have to. Ray-Ray, a penny-ante hustler in a hundred-dollar hat and twenty-dollar dental work, oozed out of the shadows and tapped Beach’s right bicep with two heavily ringed fingers. “Hey, man. You looking to get smooth?”

“You know it,” Beach said. “You got the hookup?”

“Don’t even worry about it,” Ray-Ray drawled through his permanent sneer. “I got this blender make you drop to your knees and holler hallelujah. I’m talking about 700 watts of peak power and a 56-ounce double-wall thermal jar. You just come with me, I’ll show you a good time.”

“Is that the one with the wave action system to force the mixture down into the blades, for a smoother blend? And with cup-activated dispensing that eliminates the mess of pouring?”

“Damn straight. Now you wanna follow me over to my place, or ULLLLKKK-” Like a soul cobra, Beach’s arm sprung at the man’s neck, his granite grip tightening around Ray-Ray’s throat. He pulled the thrashing, bug-eyed hoodlum’s face close to his.

“I know those specs, fool. And I know you got my blender. It ain’t pro grade, but it’s mine, dig? We’re going back to your place, all right. And if there’s so much as a scratch on the Hamilton Beach Wavestation Dispensing Blender, you won’t just be making smoothies – you’ll be the main ingredient.”

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Comin’ at you with the best tracks on wax

Yeah, I’ve heard all the rumors and hearsay about how digital media is taking over the market. Phsst. Whatever.

Let’s get something straight. I’m lazy. Laaaaaazy. Even having this conversation with you wastes valuable time I could be using to do absolutely nothing. So when it comes to digital music and video, I just shrug it off and go back to waiting for the paint to peel.

When I got this Sandisk Sansa Fuze 8GB Media Player as a gift, I thought, “I should probably try to use this. I guess.” The computer is way on the other side of the room, though, and getting up to use it seemed like a bit of a strain.

Then, I discovered the FM Radio tuner. Holy cow. You know they play music for free on the radio? You don’t have to buy anything or make any kind of effort other than tuning in on the receiver. And they play all kinds of music, no downloading or scouring the Internet for new and exciting bands required. The radio tells me exactly what to like! Who knew? The Sanza Fuze also allows me to preset up to 40 different stations, which can be a lot like that Shuffle feature everyone talks about if I close my eyes and call up a random station.

Sure, I could use the 8 gigs of storage for a lot of music or watch videos on the crisp 1.9” color screen, but that involves money and effort, two things I don’t spend easily. I’m sure the built-in voice recorder is nice for folks that want to use their mental energies thinking of something to say. Not me, though.

Whew. All that talking has me kinda winded. If you’ll excuse me, I should really get back to watching the grass grow.

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You can always depend on the kindness of strange beings

That’s a mighty fine rig you got there. Is that German? Japanese? You say that’s Andromedian? Well, she’s a beaut, either way.

Thanks for stopping to give me a hand here. On these backwoods roads, you never know when somebody is gonna come by to help you out when your truck breaks down. I’m guessin’ a lot of folks up and run screamin’ when you set that vehicle of yours down next to ‘em, but, in all my years, I’ve never been one to turn down help from anyone willin’ to give it. I sure do appreciate it.

Guess you boys decided to stop when you saw the Honeywell Autolite TriGlo Road Safety Light? You know, I bought these things knowing that they were durable, great in all kinds of weather, and compact. When you do as much travelin’ as I do, you know you’re gonna need some kind of warning light, too, and the warning triangle can be seen from about five hundred feet. I guess I never thought about it being seen from five hundred feet up.

Could you just hold that TriGlo light a little more to the left, little guy? Pretty handy that these safety lights can double as flashlights, I gotta say. Good for checking the engine or lighting the way to a gas station, if there was one around. You boys might think about grabbing a couple of these on your way back to… where’d you say you were from again? Kylar 8? Oh, Kylar 7. My mistake.

Say, if you don’t mind, could you lower the volume a little? I don’t mind you speakin’ right into my brain, but it’s a little loud.

Ah, there’s the problem. Danged carburetor’s busted. Well, heck, I don’t suppose you fellas got anything that can fix a… what’s that? You say this here glowin’ orb will work? Won’t even need gas or anything? Boy, I’ll tell you, I don’t care what those sci-fi movies say. You little guys are alright with me.

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You can’t spell pizazz without messed-up pizza

You can take all your museums, your local music, your architecture, your literature, your coastlines, your mountain vistas, and cram them down your pie-hole.

Your pizza pie-hole, that is. Because when it comes to regional character, there’s nothing that defines a place like having its own local pizza style.

Ask your average Joe Paintsmock whether he prefers the Field Museum or the American Museum of Natural History. He’ll probably bust your glasses for being such a Poindexter! But ask him whether he likes his pizza Chicago-style or New-York-style, and watch his hostility instantly evaporate as he engages you in a discussion of the relative merits!

Watch it evaporate as best you can with no glasses, anyway.

Consider Saint-Louis-style pizza, with its weird, matzoh-like crust and tooth-adherent regional cheese product! Or California-style, made in wood-fired ovens and topped with stuff yuppies like! Have yours New-Haven-style, or Detroit-style—all places known worldwide by the idiosyncrasies of their pizzas!

Before this month is over, you’ll be able to add Rolando Campbell’s house to that list of pizza meccas. I’m buying a stainless steel DeLonghi countertop convection oven big enough to cook two twelve-inch pizzas, and I’m going to make the next big pizza innovation. Maybe I’ll marinate my toppings in vodka. Maybe I’ll use baloney instead of crust. Nothing’s off the table. This is the brainstorming phase, where I don’t critique ideas, I just generate them.

Whatever I dream up, my DeLonghi oven will be the perfect tool to get it out of my dreams and into my guts. Its trademarked Durastone II enamel interior works with fan-circulated hot air to make sure heat’s distributed fast and evenly. Whatever I’m cooking, it’ll be perfectly browned outside, moist and juicy inside—and 30-40% less time. Then when it’s time to clean up? Squoosh, squoosh, just wipe the enamel with a damp sponge. After it cools off, of course.

This is going to be huge! No longer will maps of the pizzaverse have a blank spot where Utah should be! I’ll go down in history as the guy who first thought to serve pizza as a hot beverage, or with chewing gum on it, or whatever I end up inventing! Gourmands, I hope you’re ready to revise your almanacks. Rolando Campbell’s house is about to rank among the world’s great places!

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It’s A Complicated Bag And No One Understands It But Its Woman

Who’s the luggage cat that’s really great at holding clothes but still lightweight? Rolling Duffle! Right on.

“And so anyway, Janet, I told that fella right away, I said ‘Look, I’ve been a front desk check-in attendant for long enough to know that… oh, my! Rolling Duffle!”

Ladies. I’m just going up to my room now.

“What, you know that piece of luggage?”

“Janet, that’s the Sharper Image 24” Rolling Duffle! He’s the baddest piece of luggage the city’s ever bred! Did you know that sturdy ergonomic handle system has custom skate wheels?”

“Mmmm. I could tell that by how he filled that polyester fabric. Whoever he is, he sure looks good in tangerine.”

“Whoever he is? Janet, you’ve never heard of Rolling Duffle?”

“Baby, I’m a busy woman. I can’t keep up with every piece of ultra-lightweight luggage, even if they do have front/side quick access and internal zippered lining.”

“Janet, shah! He’s coming back! In yellow this time! Like Bruce Lee!”

Ladies. Can you point me towards the karate room?

“Yes, sir, Mister Rolling Duffle. It’s to the left, then a right, then the third door on the left after the ice machine. It’s right next door to my room.”

I’ll keep that in mind, dollface.

“Janet! Janet! He called me dollface! I think I’m… I’m gonna… faint…”

“Oh, no you don’t! I ain’t working this front desk alone all night. What’s with you, anyway? You and this duffle have a fling? You in love, girl?”

“In love? Janet, every woman’s in love with Rolling Duffle. He’s the bag that won’t let you down no matter if you’re going abroad or just across the town! He’s got the finest Santoprene zipper pullers and a full TSI branded lining. And they say he can hold your clothes all night, if you understand me!”

“And here he comes now, too. You better check yourself, honeychild, he’s in purple this time. How many clothes this luggage cat got?”

Can one of you fine ladies tell me where the soda machine might be?

“Yes, Mister Rolling Duffle. It’s right beside the pool. I was thinking about taking a swim after work, in fact, so maybe I’ll see you there. I forgot my suit, though. But you wouldn’t peek, would you, Mister Rolling Duffle?”

Stay smooth, baby.

“Janet! Did you hear that! Where’s the phone book, I need to make a waxing appointment.”

“Baby, stop! Baby, baby, stop! Listen! You can’t let no luggage just use you like that! Sure, this Sharper Image 24” Rolling Duffle is really nice, and smooth, and sexy, and has that great voice, but you can’t keep chosen’ him down like this! Listen, let’s you and me go out tonight. You get your best dress on, we’ll hit the bar and find us a couple of real men. Men who… who…”

I’ll be stepping out for a while, ladies. Please leave any messages in my box for when I return.

“Yes… yes sir, Mister Rolling Duffle. And… can I say… you look great in gold.”

Thank you, baby doll.

“What was that you said, Janet? That he was just another piece of luggage? That he couldn’t just use us like that?”

“Shut up and find me his room key.”

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The Weed of Crime bears bitter fruit. Crime does not…

Hey, get that light off me!

“Oh, money! Moneymoneymoneymoney. It feel so nice to roll around on a bed made of all my ill-gotten gains. Ben Franklin, you are the world’s best cuddler.”

“Enjoy your rest while you can, criminal scum.”

“What’s that? Who’s there?”

“It is I, The Shade, defender of the innocent, avenger of those who have been wronged by your ilk.”

“The Shade, eh? Well, come on out and face me like a man! Show yourself!”

“Heh heh. You’d like that wouldn’t you? No, thief, I will stay here in the shadows, using these powers I picked up while traveling through East Asia to cloud men’s mind so that they can not…”

“Oh, hey. There you are.”

“What is this?! How can this be? No man has ever breached my invisibility!”

“Nothin’ too terribly hard to figure out there, Shade. I just followed your voice and shined this Garrity Rechargeable LED Flashlight I keep plugged into the wall for emergencies in that general direction. Mostly, I just keep it there in case the power goes out ‘cause it automatically turns on so’s I can find it, but this works, too, I guess. I don’t know why no one has ever thought of this before.”

“GAH! So bright… can’t escape into the darkness…”

“Nope, and since this here gem provides up to 10 hours of continuous light on a full charge and has LED bulb that never needs replacin’, I’d say you’re not going anywhere any time soon, hero. Hey, Jimmy! Guido! Get in here and get this scumbag, will ya?”

“Impossible! My hypnotic gaze will OW OW OW NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE.”

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My Comrade… My Ogre!

Inside the emergency surgery room at Fort Justice, the official headquarters of the Super League of Heroes, today:

The Retributator: KRRRK Jeez, this alien spore just doesn’t want to let go. I’ve never seen anything cling so tightly to the inside of an intestine.

General Freedom: We didn’t shrink you and send you into the Ogre’s body to fail! If we don’t remove that spore, our friend will turn into a slavering, mindless beast!

The Green Bomb: Turn into?

Sunboy: Good thing we got those walkie…

Moongirl: ...talkies! Or Midland GMRS Radios, if you prefer!

General Freedom: Those are the radios that helped me and the boys lick Fidel in Grenada! Five watts of power, all 22 FRS and GMRS channels, 121 privacy codes per channel, and built-in NOAA weather alert radio! Take that, Comandante! And I didn’t even mention the 26-mile range!

Nightwitch: I sense… interference…

General Freedom: OK, in practice it’s more like two miles. But Grenada’s a pretty small island.

The Retributator: KRRRK Not sure… how much… longer… Got it! But hurry up and activate the de-shrinkonizer! I’m being… overcome by… gases…

Sunboy: No wonder! He’s inside…

Moongirl: ...an ogre’s intestines!

General Freedom: Brilliant work, son! I’m activating the de-shrinkonizer now!

The Green Bomb: Hey, somebody remind me again why we didn’t just send Slugorxx in there? He could’ve kept us apprised telepathically, and we never would’ve had to deal with these walkie-talkies.

General Freedom: Slugorxx lacks the Retributator’s fine motor control and knowledge of meta-super biology.

Slugorxx the Atomic Space-Slug: (mentally) STOP OPPRESSING ME WITH THE SOFT BIGOTRY OF LOW EXPECTATIONS

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Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Zzzzz

Are you looking for a way to wake up? At home, on the road, or forced upon someone when you’re not there, the Mustek 1.5” Digital Photo Frame and Alarm Clock will be a perfect alarm clock for… whatever use you can think of.

Zzzzz. Zzzzz. Zzzzz.

beep beep beep

Zzzz-gnnuh? Whu? Why am I staring at a picture of my ex-wife? Oh, right, right. She gave me this Mustek 1.5” Digital Photo Frame and Alarm Clock. Great. I’m gonna go back to sleep now. Zzzzz. Zzzzz.

beep beep beep

Zzz-duh? Oh, another photo of my ex-wife. I guess I could have expected it, since the Mustek 1.5” Digital Photo Frame and Alarm Clock can handle JPG, BMP, TIFF and GIF files. But I thought I hit the power off button. I guess it was just the snooze. Ah, well. Sleep at last. Zzzzz. Zzzz..

beep beep beep

Zzzz-guh? Again? I know that the Mustek 1.5” Digital Photo Frame and Alarm Clock is an easy way to tell the time and temperature, as well as having a USB 1.1 port for easy file transfer, but why does it keep going off? I know I hit the right button. Wait, this time the picture’s smiling. Could she have gimmicked this? Trapped me in a hell of her own making? Is this a Trojan Mustek 1.5” Digital Photo Frame and Alarm Clock?

beep beep beep

Wow. I’m so glad we didn’t have any kids. First thing tomorrow I’m formatting this Mustek 1.5” Digital Photo Frame and Alarm Clock and adding my own pictures. And they’ll all be of beautiful women. Do you hear that, Donna? I know that Mustek 1.5” Digital Photo Frame and Alarm Clock can’t transmit sound, but do you hear that? I know you can hear me so just admit it.

beep beep beep

I suppose I’ll take that as a yes.

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The Golden Age Of Getting’ Outta Here

If you’re hoping to get away, the Meade 6 Piece Backpack Outdoor Set has a compass, a multi-tool, binoculars, even a backpack! It’s an outdoor adventure set… fit for a king.

>>Joseph-Michel has joined the chat<<
XVI: finally
XVI: i am so bored
Joseph-Michel: Aren’t you enjoying the game?
XVI: no
XVI: it won’t let me move my horsey diagonal
XVI: i hate this rebellion
>>JEM has joined the chat<<
XVI: OH NO
JEM: A HA
JEM: THERE YOU ARE
Joseph-Michel: Hey, hey calm down now.
Joseph-Michel: Be cool.
JEM: WAIT RIGHT THERE SO I CAN ARREST YOU
>>JEM has left the chat<<
XVI: oh no oh no oh no
Joseph-Michel: Calm down
Joseph-Michel: I have a Meade 6 Piece Backpack Outdoor Set ready to go
XVI: i don’t want to be on a platter
XVI: i don’t want to go in a gondolier
Joseph-Michel: You mean a guillotine?
XVI: OH GOD WHAT IS THAT IT SOUNDS EVEN MORE SCARY
Joseph-Michel: Look, I have a Meade 6 Piece Backpack Outdoor Set
Joseph-Michel: packed and ready to go.
Joseph-Michel: There’s a clip-on flashlight with 3 LED lights.
XVI: I’M SCARED TO TRAVEL IN THE DARK
XVI: I AM A SUN KING NOT A SHADOW KING
Joseph-Michel: There’s a compass to help you keep north.
XVI: I’M SCARED OF THINGS IN THE NORTH
XVI: POLAR BEARS ARE NORTH
Joseph-Michel: There’s a multi-tool to help you open cans.
Joseph-Michel: And cut wires and turn screws and more.
Joseph-Michel: And a little saw.
XVI: i do like little saws
Joseph-Michel: I put in a 10×50 Binocular so you can better see the ground
XVI: the ground?
Joseph-Michel: There’s a rugged backpack which holds everything
Joseph-Michel: and more.
Joseph-Michel: This Meade Meade 6 Piece Backpack Outdoor Set  is perfect
Joseph-Michel: A great way to make an escape from your day-to-day life
XVI: you said ground
Joseph-Michel: Yes. I got you a special balloon to escape in.
XVI: OH
XVI: MY
XVI: GOD
XVI: DOES IT SAY “KING” ON IT
Joseph-Michel: Yes, but in very small letters so no one else will see
XVI: I AM THE SECRET KING
XVI: GIVE ME THE MEADE 6 PIECE BACKPACK OUTDOOR SET
XVI: I WILL BE IN EXILE IN THE SKY
>>JEM has entered the chat<<
JEM: HEY TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE
JEM: I CAN’T FIND YOU
XVI: I’M AT YOUR MOM’S HOUSE LOL
JEM: THAT TRAITOROUS HARLOT
JEM: I’LL KILL YOU BOTH WITH MY MOST RUSTYEST SWORD
>>JEM has left the chat<<
Joseph-Michel: I’ll have the balloon sent over right away.
XVI: HOORAY
XVI: oh sorry i made your brother decide to kill your mom
Joseph-Michel: It’s okay, I hid his sword.
>>JEM has entered the chat<<
JEM: WHO TOOK MY SWORD
JEM: I’LL THROW YOU ALL IN A GONDOLIER FOR THIS

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It’s just like how you have to take your socks off to go to bed

Maybe you’re thinking: I don’t need an external hard drive. I’m nowhere near running out of storage space.

And why back up your files? You don’t have anything on your computer that you can’t afford to lose, right?

But according to world-famous expert Dr. Charles LeTan, Director of Research at the LeTan Institute, no digital records should ever be permanently stored inside your computer’s casing. There is very little air circulation in there, and files can become dry and cracked, or develop fungal infections from lack of exposure to fresh air and sunlight.

Your computer files—especially music, photos and movies—need to be periodically rotated to an external drive to keep them aired out and healthy. Dr. LeTan recommends a model like the Seagate FreeAgent, a humungous second home for up to 1.5TB’s worth of your digital photos, music, videos and other documents. Its versatile modern design allows for either horizontal or vertical orientation, whichever best suits your desktop’s feng shui.

With conveniently fast USB 2.0 data transfer and an automatic backup function (or you can use Time Machine with your Mac), the Seagate FreeAgent can keep your files regularly ventilated with a minimum of hassle. But don’t take our word for it—here’s Dr. LeTan in his own words:

“Hello, I’m Dr. Charles LeTan, B.S. (No, not ‘bachelor of science,’ the other B.S.) You might remember me from my campaign to encourage computer users to give their motherboards regular rinses in cold water to keep them clean and in top working order.

“Well, that turned out to have been a bad idea, I see that now. But this business about airing out your files, I’m pretty sure that’s right.

“After all, did you ever get a cast on your arm? Remember how funky it got, the smell? Do you want your mp3s to smell like that? Of course you don’t.”

Thanks to the continuing work of the LeTan Institute and similar organizations around the country, we understand our computers a little better every day. Pick up the Seagate FreeAgent external hard drive for your system now, and enjoy less stinky digital files for years to come!

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