Sellout.Woot In partnership with Yahoo Deals

Don’t fall for his wink and a smile.

No matter how charming he is.

Well sir there’s nothing on Earth like a Velbon Neopod 6 Carbon Fiber Monopod! What’d I say?

“Monopod!”

What’s it called?

“Monopod!”

That’s right, monopod!

“Monopod! Monopod! Monopod! Monopod!”

“I hear those things have just one leg!”

That’s true, it’s sort of like a peg.

“Is there a chance the leg could bend?”

Not on your life my Wooting friend!

“What about if it should slip?”

There’s a rubber foot at the tip!

“Is it used to call the devil?”

No, it keeps your camera level!

“Can I get a bag of crap?”

I’m not here to talk about that!

I swear it’s Wooters’ only choice, grab your credit card, let’s rejoice!

“Monopod!”

What’s it called?

“Monopod!”

Once again:

“Monopod!”

“But the WootOff servers are still broken.”

“Sorry lady, the mob has spoken!”

“Monopod!”

“Monopod!”

“Monopod!”

“Monopod!”

“Mono- Awww, it sold out.”

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YOU STILL DON’T GET IT, DO YOU?

It’ll toast bread! That’s what it does! THAT’S ALL IT DOES!

Nobody knew who started it at first. But it was the toasters. Powerful things with variable browning controls and a variety of toasting options. People were giving them away as gifts for opening new checking accounts or as wedding presents by the truckloads. It was madness, I tell you. Nothing could stop it.

The old versions were easy to disregard. But these are new. They look so stylish… beautiful modern design, stainless steel polished finish, inexplicable glass, everything. They were even outfitted with a extra wide slots, slide-out crumb trays for easy cleaning and a blue LED display.

Listen and understand. That Kalorik 2-Slice Stainless-Steel and Glass Toaster is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, until you are FULL OF TOAST, BAGELS, ENGLISH MUFFINS, WAFFLES, OR TOASTER PASTRIES! Unless, of course, someone unplugs it. Or it breaks. Whichever comes first, I guess. Whatever.

Do you see now? Do you believe me? Good. Now, look, the only way we are going to save mankind from a horrible toasty future is if we make a baby RIGHT NOW. Don’t worry. I’m from the future, remember? I know about these types of things.

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The Three Tiers

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. And she had a Powerup Mobile 4 Way iPod Charger that never left her sight.

Goldilocks was on probation for breaking and entering, you see, and after doing twenty years hard time, she was eager to make new friends. For Goldilocks was still young, and that meant she maybe had a chance to start her life again. And that’s why she used her Powerup Mobile 4 Way iPod Charger to win people over.

For example, when Goldilocks went to a bar, she would sit alone, just beside the standard wall plug. Then, when she heard someone say “Oh, no, my iPhone is dying,” she’d smile her warmest smile and invite them to plug into the Powerup Mobile 4 Way iPod Charger’s USB slot, which allows it to work with any chargeable USB device. And she would have a new friend!

Or, if she was driving home and she noticed a sad jogger with a drained iPod Nano, she would slow down, and with a cheery laugh, invite that jogger to use her Powerup Mobile 4 Way iPod Charger’s car cigarette lighter attachment, so that the Nano would be 100% in no time at all. And she would have a new friend!

Or, perhaps, if she was sitting with her laptop, and she saw the pool boy crying because his iPod Touch was shutting down, she could use the USB Plug to attach the Powerup Mobile 4 Way iPod Charger to her laptop’s USB port, and then let him charge his iPod Touch that way. And she would have a new friend!

Or, best of all, if she was in the desert and came across a cowboy who was nearly dead after days of exposure, she could use her Powerup Mobile 4 Way iPod Charger to attach to a 9-Volt battery and repower his iPod, or whatever Mini-USB Handheld electronic device he happened to have, letting him die with dignity. And she would have, however briefly, a new friend!

And so, that’s how Goldilocks rebuilt her life, thanks to the Powerup Mobile 4 Way iPod Charger. And also, through this wonderful multi-level marketing plan that’s very easy to join! All you need to do is convince as many of your friends as possible that they should invest now to be rich later and… hey, would you like to go to lunch and learn all about this program? Ha, ha, just remember to bring along your checkbook, because once I finish, you’re going to want to be involved right away!

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You know what our home movies are missing?

BESIDES plot and sympathetic characters?

I think I finally figured out why no one comes over to watch your vacation videos and those home movies we took of the kids being potty-trained!

No HD or Blu-ray!

Well, I think I’ve got the solution. We’re finally going to start selling some tickets to these things. I picked up a copy of Pinnacle Studio Ultimate Version 12 Software with a Complete Training DVD! Now I can create and burn my own Blu-ray movies, and it works with all the other Pinnacle stuff I’ve fallen for over the years! I can cover titling, color correction, special effects, even a green screen backdrop!

And it works with Windows 7! Plus the other Windowses! And no Macs! I feel so superior!

All eight years of our family’s memories are archived and I can start publishing them on YouTube! I can even use the Scorefitter to add a little musical emotion to that flatliner of a birthday party you taped last year. Add some 3D text into the mix and these Magic Bullet looks to help define the style of our tapes and bam! The Garretty family film festival is back on!

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Hub It Out

Young man, what have I told you about leaving your media all over the house?

How many times do I have to tell you to put your movies, music, and pictures in the Linksys Media Hub Home Entertainment Storage system where it belongs? Do you think I like cleaning up after you? Do you think I work all day just dreaming about coming home and picking up after you? Don’t you think I would like to sit down and enjoy my own media via the hub’s multi-stream capability and watch a movie while you listen to music and your father browses old photos from his high school days and cries softly to himself?

It’s not like it's hard to put files in the Media Hub, son. It’s got two USB ports that allow you to connect external hard drives for storage expansion or direct download of images from digital cameras, for Pete’s sake. Heck, it'll automatically search for media files on your network, then copy and organize them for you! And with remote access, you can upload and enjoy your files from just about anywhere, so no more excuses. Don’t give me that line about how it won’t all fit in the hub, either. With 500 GB of storage space plus an additional drive bay for upgrading, there’s more than enough room.

You stop that groaning right now, mister, and clean this mess up. Your father’s sobs of nostalgia have already given me a headache.

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Project Blue Trim Book

Hot Blooded? Cold As Ice? Either way, the Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager can help you feel better.

Hey, my friend. See, I call you my friend, because I’m here for you. I’m a massage professional, you see, and I don’t care if you’re male or female. To me, you’re just a beautiful fleshy landscape upon which my explorer’s hands must map.

Shh, shh! Become calm. Find your center and relax. I understand, you’re a little afraid of being touched by a stranger. It happens. But don’t you worry, we’re still weeks away from actual contact. You see, I model my massage strategy on the work of NASA. That’s right! That’s why I’ve brought my little Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager with me today. Please, take off your shirt and we can begin.

My Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager works a bit like a space probe, except instead of landing on another planet, it’ll be landing on you! See? Together we’ll come to understand where your own personal planetary stresses lie. Do you follow astronomy, my friend? Shh, shh, relaaaaax. Let the four-point head take away the stress. Feel that infrared heat? Yes, yes, let it work deep into your surface, down to where the alien colonists escaped back in 1968. Oh, my, did that slip out? I’m sorry, that was just a joke. Everyone knows there’s no life on other worlds, and certainly none connected to the government. Roll over, let me start work on your other side.

Chilly, huh? I put in the cold pack attachment while you weren’t looking. It makes the Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager as cold as the polar cap where the CIA arranged to dispose of the evidence related to the Philadelphia Experiment. Oh, yes, that’s right, my friend. I know all about your part in the cover-up. And now, I’ve got you pinned under the Dr Scholl’s Arctic Heat Hot & Cold Mini Massager. So start talking. Or I’m breaking out the flexible deep kneading massage head and ending all this right now.

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You Were Born To Be My TV

This Philips 19” 720p LCD TV with 2 HDMI ports will be something you can believe in when your other television goes out in a blaze of glory.

Hey, hold up. How you doin’? I’m Johnny. You may remember that once upon a time, I used to work on the docks. After the union went on strike… well, let’s just say me and my girl went out and found what it meant to be… a New Jerseian. New Jersite? Aw, hell, why make it fancy? I’m just a guy from Jersey, and that’s all I know how to be.

But now, me and my girl have a kid. And I’m looking for a job at a port. So I figure, you know, since you’re getting a Philips 19” 720p LCD TV… maybe I could work for you or something. No, wait, wait, here me out, okay?

Look, I know I’m just some kid who ain’t never been nothing but trouble, but the Philips 19” 720p LCD TV has 2 HDMI ports, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s ports. I bet I could help you do anything with those two HDMI ports. Plugging in, taking out, you know, like a Blu-Ray, or a DVD player or a computer or whatever. Hey, the way I figure it, what you do with your HDMI ports, that’s your business. All I gotta do is work ‘em for an honest wage. And don’t you worry, I can keep my mouth shut.

So come on, help me out. Somebody like you, getting a TV that’s also designed to work as a PC monitor, somebody who’s gonna appreciate a 1366×768 resolution, somebody that’s going after a TV that handles ATSC and QAM cable, you’re the kind of person that can afford to hire me. Right? Classy act like you?

Come on, help me out. My steel horse needs some body work, and my bank account’s only halfway there.

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A Game Involving Dating

“Nancy Netbook, we’ve got three iHome Wireless Laser Netbook Mice looking for love and waiting to answer your questions just beyond that wall. Let’s get started!”

“Bachelor Number One, sometimes I like to take control. Can you be man enough to let me take the reins?”

“Absolutely, Nancy. That’s why you’ll be happy with my 1600 dpi high performance laser sensor. Unlike some of those “optical” mice you may have been with in the past, I’ll be able to glide with you across most surfaces, like wood grain, frosted glass, and others that an optical mouse just can’t. Once you get your hands on my streamlined black design, you’ll never want to let go.”

“That’s so sassy! Your turn, Bachelor Number Two. I want to be able to share a deep connection and compatibility with someone special. How can I be sure you’ll pick up my signal?”

“I know just how your feel, Nancy. Let me put your mind at ease by saying that the moment you lay eyes on my handsome charcoal exterior, you’ll feel a connection. Not only that, but my USB nano receiver and 2.4 GHz frequency provide an INSTANT and SECURE connection without any interference for other devices for up to fifteen feet. And if it’s compatibility you need, I can work with Mac OR Windows. Whatever you need me for, I’ll be there for you.”

“Such a charmer! Okay, last question. Bachelor Number Three, I’m a high energy kind of girl who’s always on the go. Are you sure you’ll be able to keep up with me?”

“Very sure, Nancy. As a professional iHome Wireless Laser Netbook Mouse, my dazzling white finish is always ready for travel. I’m light, portable, and with just one AAA battery, I can go for hours without stop, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh, my! You all sound so amazing. I don’t think I can choose just one color. If only this game had an ‘In-For-3’ option!”

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Getting stood up is never a good thing

Well, ALMOST never!

Getting stood up: It’s insulting. It’s hurtful. It drives home the depressing message that you’re a pathetic loser unworthy of basic human courtesy. Everybody knows the feeling. We’ve all been there.

What’s that? You haven’t been there? You’ve never been stood up? Never? Well, that figures. My mistake. Excuse ume for FAILING TO REALIZE NOT EVERYONE’S AS HOPELESS A WASTE OF SKIN AS I AM, I’ll add it to my ALREADY IMPRESSIVELY LENGTHY LIST OF FAILURES. THANKS FOR STRAIGHTENING ME OUT ON THAT.

Anyway, what I was going to say before being reminded yet again of my pitiable inadequacy as a human being is that being stood up is a lousy experience UNLESS you’re a 13- to 15.5-inch notebook computer, and it’s the iHome iStand notebook media center with built-in speakers doing the standing.

Because getting stood up makes you and me look like schlubs. (Right, not you. Just me. Sorry.) But it actually makes your laptop computer more fun. Before the iStand stands it up, your notebook’s… just… y’know, sitting there. But after the iStand stands it up, it’s the center of attention, kicking out the party jams, hosting movie night for you and all your friends, even hooking up with the occasional iPod or iPhone! They dock, if you know what I mean.

I guess the point here is that getting stood up doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can lead to… That is, if you have the right attitude about it… I mean…

No, you’re right. My notebook computer has better prospects than I do; that’s actually the point.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to MarkLight Cinemas.

Please turn off your cell phones and pagers.

I’m Mark, I’ll be your Head Usher for the evening, so feel free to let me know if you need assistance finding your seat. Tonight we’ll be enjoying my Criterion Collection DVD copy of Roadhouse. Before the previews cue up and we dive into Rowdy Herrington’s 1989 masterpiece, I just want to make sure all four of you notice the state of the art and only slightly refurbished Philips 1000-Watt 5.1 DVD Home Theater System.

Yes, every roundhouse kick will be shown in stunning 1080p HD, and each explosion will be blasting through the sub-woofers. Each scream will be carried through the center speakers and you’ll hear the bullets fly by from the satellite speakers. All of it in beautiful Dolby Digital sound.

After the show we’ll dive into the soundtrack using the iPod dock. I’ll pop in a CD-R of my favorite Swayze photos and we’ll really get the party popping!

Okay, okay, quit throwing Milk Duds! The show’s about to start! Just let me finish my “Ode to the Road” poem!

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