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The Experiment Is Over

We here at MutoCorp would like to thank you all for volunteering for our experimental serum testing.

Your contribution to Science has been an important part of our quest to create the perfect soldier. Given time, we had hoped to help you control your new-found abilities that you might better serve mankind as it takes its baby steps towards the next stage of evolution.

However, due to budgetary constraints and lack of any real progress in creating anything more than broken-minded beasts bent on destruction, I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you all go. We do apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, especially those who may have developed any skin discoloration or vestigial tail growth. We would’ve liked to provide a way to fix these problems but, well, “them’s the breaks”, as they say. I’d also like to remind you all that you did sign a waiver releasing us from any legal liability concerning your “transformations”.

We were, however, able to scrape together some money to get you all a nice parting gift. We have provided you all with Digital Wrist Blood Pressure Monitors that you’ll find under your seats. It is of utmost importance that you use these as you rejoin the society of the outside world.

You’ll find the monitors comfortable, compact, and very easy to use with thier one button, fully automatic operation. They are also capable of simultaneously displaying both systolic/diastolic pressure and pulse rate with clinically proven accuracy on thier large digital screens. Because our studies have shown that you may experience some minor added side effects like superhuman strength, ocular laser blasts, and uncontrollable rage should your blood pressure get too high, we ask that you please do whatever is possible to stay relaxed. We suggest yoga. We hear it’s quite popular.

And not to upset anyone, but you have also all been implanted with a small RFID chip so that we may find and exterminate you should your rages get out of hand. It WAS clearly stated in the waiver. We thought this may be more preferable to, say, incineration, because here at MutoCorp, we care about your well-being, such as it is.

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Hello, Michael? Hey it’s Paul, in Accounting. Listen, we’ve gotta talk.

I just paid off another $600 speeding ticket. Just because that super-car with artificial intelligence can hit 300 mph doesn’t mean you HAVE to hit 300 mph.

Listen, I’ve requested that some modifications be made to the car. Because I pay the expenses, Michael. Because it’s my job! Look, it’s not a big deal. I just had the mechanics install a Whistler Cordless Radar & Laser Detector. Because you are too busy joyriding and blowing through speed traps to avoid these fines and it’s eating into our budget! Do you have any idea how many tickets you got just last month?! Guess. Just humor me. Higher. Michael, that’s a lower number. I don’t feel like you’re taking this seriously. Higher. Nope. Give up? 72. You had 72 moving violations last month!

I suppose I should thank you for actually taking the time to pull over and not just shooting squad cars with a flamethrower or something. No, no, NO! I shouldn’t have even said it! No, from now on you’re going to use the radar & laser detector to slow down when you know cops are around.

Now I wanted to go over it with you, Michael, because there are some things you should know. Look, this has total band protection and quiet mode, so it won’t constantly interrupting you. It’s powered by some rechargeable batteries, but I’ll be honest, they don’t last too long. Oh, that’s going to be an issue. See, this thing never shuts off. It’s constantly on alert. Well, to be honest, I saw that as a good thing when I bought it because I figured you need constant protection from the highway patrol. Also, don’t hit any bumps. This thing’s windshield bracket isn’t very strong.

All told though, it should really cut down on the issues you’re having with the local law enforcement. Of course you could always, y’know, slow down. I know, I know, it IS a really cool car.

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“We’re making incredible strides in the treatment of Alzheimer’s, Mrs. Williams.”

“The trick is to constantly challenge the mind and eliminate the crutches on which we’ve come to rely.”

“Now I’ve taken the photos you provided me from your HP M547 6.2MP Digital Camera and presented them to your mother, Mrs. Williams. You’re welcome to sit there while we proceed through today’s session. Now then. Betsy? Do you remember this Christmas visit from your grandchildren?”

...

“Take your time, Betsy.”

“I…I feel like I remember this photo being taken, but the colors-”

“What about the colors, Betsy?”

“They’re…off. Just a little bit.”

“I assure you these photos were taken in stunning 6.2 megapixel clarity. Maybe you’ve inadvertently converted one of the photos to sepia, or one of the black and white tints.”

“I can’t tell; this screen is too small. My eyes aren’t so good, but I’m certain that little Aidyn wasn’t quite so pekid looking.”

“As you can see, Mrs. Williams, by giving Betsy, your mother, a slightly distorted image we force the brain to reconcile the lingering feeling of memory with what it’s currently seeing. In this case a digital photo with a color palette slightly askew leads to the recognition of her own grandson. Of course she can’t handle too many images at once, but the camera’s 16 Mb internal flash memory makes sure she won’t become overwhelmed. We could track down a simple SD or SDHC memory card, I suppose, but this will do. Let’s try another.”

“I, I can’t make any of this out. Is that Jennifer? The flash washes out a lot.”

“Excellent, Betsy! Excellent! On to the video, then.”

“Is this a .GIF?”

“I assure you Betsy, that’s digital video.”

“It’s all blurry. You can barely tell that’s Howard’s birthday cake. Everything is blocky and distorted.”

“I do hope your tears are joyful, Mrs. Williams. You said it had been six months since your mother had remembered your father’s name, yes? Naturally we’ll be sending the camera home with you to continue therapy at your own pace. Since this experimental therapy isn’t covered by your insurance we will have to insist on providing you a refurbished model, but it should prove just as reliable as new. Hmm? Well it’s a wry observation, really, as even the new ones had a bit of a tendency to stop working.”

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The Golden Age Of Carrying A Laptop To Work

A Skooba Designs Checkthrough Messenger Laptop Bag is the perfect mix of devil-may-care style and classic professionalism. It’s truly a bag… fit for a king.

>>Joseph-Michel has joined the chat<<
XVI: How’s your mom?
Joseph-Michel: She’s okay.
Joseph-Michel: But my brother is soooo grounded.
XVI: heh
>>JEM has joined the chat<<
JEM: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TOLD HER
Joseph-Michel: Oh, whatever, dude, you were the one about to chop off her head.
XVI: hey, sup
XVI: i’m in absentia
JEM: yeah, you better run
JEM: I AM LORD PROTECTOR NOW
JEM: I’LL HAVE YOU CASTIGATED
XVI: lol
XVI: wait is that the dirty one
JEM: lol
JEM: hey, what are you up to now anyway
XVI: I am gathering allies in the salons of the world
XVI: and I bought a Skooba Designs Checkthrough Messenger Laptop Bag
Joseph-Michel: His Majesty means to return and retake his kingdom.
JEM: whoa that’s a sweet bag
XVI: yeah
XVI: looks very professional
JEM: no lie
JEM: is that a padded shoulder strap?
Joseph-Michel: Then he’ll likely lead an army to our Northernmost border.
XVI: it’s all padded
XVI: check it, there’s a hinge to let you do the laptop thing
JEM: that’s so awesome
JEM: what’s that little window
XVI: it’s for inspectors, so they can see inside quick without you having to take it all apart
XVI: unless you mean the passport pocket
JEM: passport pocket
JEM: I HAVE NO PASSPORT POCKET
JEM: i want one i have always wanted one
XVI: yah its pretty sweet
Joseph-Michel: By striking at our weak points, points he himself engineered before he was deposed, His Majesty will be able to enter the country and march on the palace.
JEM: OMG STOP TALKING ABOUT BORING STUFF
XVI: srsly
JEM: look, let’s trade. you give me the Skooba Designs Checkthrough Messenger Laptop Bag and i’ll give you something
XVI: what
JEM: um
JEM: um
JEM: what about this candle
XVI: I have a candle already
JEM: FINE YOU CAN HAVE THE CROWN BACK
JEM: JUST GIVE ME THAT BAG
XVI: k
XVI: i’ll meet you at the palace
JEM: hells yeah
>>JEM has left the chat<<
Joseph-Michel: That was very impressive, Sire.
XVI: he gave in too easy
XVI: i should have held out for more

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That 2012 movie was so completely unrealistic.

You’re telling me Jackson Curtis isn’t going to worry about his data safety?

Dear Roland Emmerich and Harald Kloser,

We just saw your new stinker, 2012, this weekend. Hoo boy, that was long. We mean really long. We’re talking, like, “are the makers of this film trying to upset us?” long. Honestly, though, that’s not why we’re writing. We’re writing because we demand our money back; there is no way none of the people in this movie wouldn’t have a IOSafe 1.5TB External USB 2.0 Hard Drive to protect their data through the apocalyptic end of civilization.

We could stay with you through the whole neutrino thing, even though neutrinos pass through nearly everything without detection and thus, if they WERE messing with the earth’s core they’d be frying everyone on the surface long before it became a factor. I’m even allowing for the fact that Jackson Curtis, a failed-novelist-turned-limo-driver portrayed by John Cusack, is somehow able to: afford a private plane, jump a limo repeatedly over giant craters, find the one plastic surgeon who is somehow trained to fly two completely different types of planes through crumbling buildings unscathed, navigate their way to China, befriend a Tibetan monk who happens to know a guy who built one of the arks that will save humanity, sneak aboard said ark, and repair the stuck door mechanism to prevent the ark from filling with water or crashing into Mt. Everest.

We were with you through all of that. Honest. But throughout this entire scenario, no one worried about saving their digital photos for posterity? No one had any important business documents, blueprints, patents, or hell even tax returns that they were worried about? There wasn’t one person on earth who really wanted to make sure their pirated mp3 collection wasn’t lost in the chaos?

It’s just that with this hard drive you’ve got fireproof protection; your information, up to 1.5 terabytes of it, is protected by DataCast fireproof insulation up to 1,550 degrees Farenheit for a half hour. You can even submerge it in up to 10 feet of fresh or salt water for THREE FULL DAYS with no ill effect; the HydroSafe waterproof barriers keep your information dry. Maybe you withheld this device because no one watching the movie would believe such protection was plausible? We assure you it is. Maybe you thought that, given that the whole world is ending, this hard drive might be exposed to conditions beyond what it’s rated to handle. Well that wouldn’t stop people from buying it at all, because it’s got a three year warranty and ioSafe will pay up to $1,000 for any data recovery that has to be performed due to unit failure.

In summation, the explosions were nice, John Cusack was terrible, and next time, try to be a little more realistic.

Love,

Woot

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Step right up, ladies and germs, step right up!

Witness the most miraculous healing device in history!

That’s right, folks, it’s the amazing Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System! Razzle at its ability to provide temporary relief for pain associated with sore and aching muscles! Dazzle at its Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation! It’s noninvasive, nonaddictive, incredibly effective and has no risk of side effects like some pain medications might!

“How’s it work?”

I’m glad you asked, young lady! You see, the TENS system uses electrodes to pulse electrical current that you modulate and control through your skin to your aching muscles below!

“So it just shoots electricity into me?”

That’s correct sir!

“That sounds terrible. I usually try to avoid that.”

Well this isn’t like sticking a knife into a socket, good lady. This is a low intensity electrical stimulation to obtain analgesia. We’re not frying bacon, here! We just want to stimulate the release of endorphins to suppress your chronic or acute pain!

“I bought one of these last week, and you didn’t mention any of that! You said it puts up road blocks or something!”

Ah, uh, a satisfied customer! You see the TENS system might also shut down the nervous system “gates” that transfer pain to your brain! Thereby eliminating it entirely!

“So you don’t really even know how this thing works?”

No one does!

“And it, could, possibly, shut down parts of my nervous system?”

Only the gates, my boy, only the gates!

“And it doesn’t actually heal anything; it just makes it so I can’t feel pain that may be a symptom of something I really should see a doctor about?”

Well naturally, sir, who here among us would see a doctor about pain you cannot feel?!

…

“I want one!”

“Me too!”

“I’ll take two!”

That’s it, that’s it step right up ladies and germs, no reason to crowd, plenty to go ‘round!

Hey, in all seriousness…

We here at Woot don’t like to break character too often, but in the interest of hopefully not causing you bodily harm, if you buy this there are some places you definitely absolutely should not put it:

• On broken skin or open wounds
• In your mouth
• On or near your eyes
• On each of your temples
• On the front of your neck
• On or near your trigeminal nerve (wherever that is) if you have a history of trigeminal neuralgia (whatever that is)
• On your pregnant belly
• Anywhere at all on your body if you’ve got a pacemaker

No, really:

Warning!
Do not use this system if you have a cardiac pace maker, implanted defibrillator or any other implanted metallic or electronic device. Do not use this System if you have undiagnosed chronic pain. If pregnant, consult physician prior to use. Children should not use this device keep out of reach of children.

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We’re gonna watch movies like it’s 1995!

No one appreciates a quaint anachronism these days.

Are you ready for our triple feature? I’ve got Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, Batman Forever, and Toy Story! Blu-Ray? Don’t be silly. They didn’t have Blu-Ray back in the mid-’90s! I know, they only barely had DVDs, but we’ll be using the VHS half of my trusty Magnavox DVD/VCR Combo. Anyone can go buy a silly DVD player; I like to kick it old school. Besides, I have all these classic movies on VHS and no way to convert them to DVD! It’s not like this thing is going to do it. Maybe after the movies we could hook up my original Playstation to this thing and play some Crash Bandicoot. It’s got two video inputs and an output for S-Video!

The DVD player’s not a complete waste, I guess. It can play CDs too! Remember when that was a big deal? I think it was right around the time OJ was roaming around the streets of LA in that truck. It’s even got a “virtual” surround system, but no one had surround sound back then! Think of how incredible the video for “Gangsta’s Paradise” might’ve sounded. It even comes with two AA batteries! Remember when that rabbit in those battery commercials wasn’t played out? All in all, I think our 1995 Movie Night is going to be a smashing success, once some people start showing up.

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You’re Soaking In It

If Perry Mason was here, he’d tell it to your face: This case is absolutely watertight.

We’ve sold a lot of little hand-held digital video cameras in our day. And we expect to sell a lot more. In fact, our lavish European vacation plans for next year depend on it. That’s why we recommend you don’t buy this VuPoint camcorder with waterproof case.

Don’t get us wrong. We can totally see how it would be all kinds of fun to shoot videos underwater, in the pool, at the lake, or wherever. Maybe you want to be the next Jackie Cousteau. Maybe you’re a competitive swimmer and you want to do video analysis on your stroke. Maybe you’re just hoping to get some hurricane footage you can sell to a cable news channel. Whatever your dream is, we hope you go for it.

But why get a special, dedicated wet-cam with a fancy-schmancy waterproof case?

Instead, we think you should just use your iPhone, or your Flip, or whatever little digital video camera you already have, but zip it in a sandwich bag or something before you plunge it into the water.

Then, when you wreck it, you can just buy another one from us. Repeat as many times as necessary.

And we’ll send you a postcard from Monaco.

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XYZZY

You are seated at your desk in your office. Your computer monitor glows with the quarterly TPS reports and an email notification. To the north, there is an exit. There is a desk lamp here.

>read email

Welcome to WORK!

WORK is a game of drudgery, misery, and high dissatisfaction. In it, you will explore the amazing depths you’ll go to just for job security and a steady paycheck. Hardened adventurers have run screaming from the terrors contained within.

>delete email

Deleted.

>go north

As much as you’d like to go home to your darling Scotch bottle and the photos of your ex-wife that still hang in your living room, mocking your lonely existence, you should probably finish up those TPS reports, buddy.

>finish TPS reports

KRA-ZZT! Uh, oh. Looks like the power just went out. You look at your now blank computer screen, cursing the fact that you never learned from the “Save Early, Save Often” lessons of your text adventure playing youth.

>crap

I do not understand the word “crap”.

For some reason, the desk lamp has just illuminated.

>examine lamp

Oh, hey! It’s the Energizer Light on Demand Desk Lamp! You remember seeing these on a wildly successful Internet retailer’s website. The name of the site, however, escapes you.

This desk lamp seems to run on AC Power AND batteries, with an Auto mode that automatically turns it on in case the power goes out. It has high and low power setting, too, to provide you light when ever you need it. You also notice that the area light at the top is removable. Pretty fancy stuff.

>get area light

Taken. With this in hand, you’ll be able to traverse the labrythine cubicles of the inner office and find your way to your car. With the hours of power remaining in the recharable batteries, you can travel without fear being eaten by a worker grue.

>put in resignation

Good for you, sport. They were probably going to fire you, anyway. This way you can still leave with your head held high.

>go home

You leave the office safely, only to realize once you’ve stepped outside that the blackout isn’t just confined to your building. The entire city is dark.

The ground underneath you begins to rumble. To your left, a large robot appears and spots you standing in the street. It points something red and glowy at you and says something that sounds like “Filthy Hu-Man” through tinny speakers.

>crap

I do not understand the word “crap”.

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All those action sequences are really going to do a number on my blood pressure.

Yeah I need the adrenaline to survive, but hypertension’s not going to help.

Hey there. I’m Chev. I’ll make this brief, as I don’t have much time before I have to go do something completely insane to get my adrenaline back up. See, I’m a hitman who was double-crossed by my boss; I know, kinda cliche, right? Anyway he had me injected with this Beijing Cocktail, and- hey are you going to drink that 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew? Do you mind?

Woo that stuff is extreme! Anyway this drug they shot me up with, it surpresses adrenaline from my adrenal gland and eventually stops my heart. So to counteract it I have to keep doing crazy stuff like picking fights and having sex in public and skydiving, maybe all three if I can manage it, to keep my adrenaline up. Yeah, I hear you. If my adrenal glands are supressed how does anything cause me to generate adrenaline, I know. For that matter, why not just inject me with poison, or acid, or hell even some Dran-O. I find it best to not think these things through and just start punching idiots on the street. Speaking of which, wait here a second.

Oh jeez, I thought that was a man. Oh well, got the ol’ heart rate up anyway. Speakin’ of which, now that I’m facing an indefinite life of constant fight or flight reflex, I’m going to need that Prevention Ultima Upper-Arm Blood Pressure Monitor. Well I figure constantly ramping up my heart rate in an effort to keep it from stopping is eventually going to cause some issues and I want to stay on top of things. ‘Scuse me, I’m going to fire some shots into that crowd for a second.

Ah, that’s the stuff. Anyway with this thing I can hook up to my Windows PC and analyze my measurements by hour, day, week, month, and even year to give me a visual graph of my blood pressure. It should really help me to understand just what factors are raising it. Besides licking car batteries, I mean. That one’s obvious. Not only can I check out my Systolic and Diastolic pressures – 250/140, incidentally – but I can also take my pulse – 346 beats per minute – and it has a sensor to detect if I have an irregular heartbeat – I do. You can even set goals for your target blood pressure – my goal is “beating” – and it runs on just four AA batteries.

Which I will now eat.

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