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Chew Gotta Believe

Statements about faith are not evaluated by the FDA.

Tim Tebow has been a divisive figure in the NFL. He’s attracted legions of fans for his beliefs and almost as much scorn and criticism for being so outspoken about it. Lance Armstrong, no stranger to controversy himself, comes from a much different place. He calls himself an agnostic and says he’d rather be judged by the life he leads than by whether he’s been baptized in any particular tradition.

And yet, somehow they both believe in FRS Energy Chews.

Now we’re not hatin’ on either one of them for believing what they believe. Obviously, they’re getting results somehow. Lots of people around the world find comfort in their particular faith, be it faith in a supreme being who created the universe, or in the power of love toward their fellow man, or in a chewy supplement that gives them energy, vitamins, and antioxidants. And you know what? If that faith helps them in life, then so be it.

What you judgmental types don’t seem to understand is that the believers don’t care if the scientific jury is still out on quercetin, or that various studies indicate possible quercetin benefits while Lance Armstrong’s own foundation LiveStrong says “more research is needed to determine the benefit of (quercetin) supplementation,” or even that the first two ingredients are sugar and corn syrup. It’s about faith.

And until you’ve stood in the face of something like a lack of scientific consensus or a 250-pound outside linebacker bearing down on your blindside, yet still somehow managed to complete the touchdown pass or convince thousands of people to buy your sweet fruity chews, you won’t truly know what faith can do for the human spirit. It uplifts us. It keeps us sane. It gives us hope in our darkest hours.

And energy. One way or another.

So we can’t promise you anything about what FRS Energy Chews will do for your game, or your workout, or your state of mind. But we can tell you this: at this price, FRS Energy Chews are the most risk-free leap of faith you’ll ever take.

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Warm Ears, Cold Heart

Lorraine, if you love me, you’ll take off those 180s Ear Warmers right now!

I know it’s cold outside, but is it so cold that you would rather feel a chill on your earlobe than listen to me recite these odes that I have written to you? I compare you to a tree in one of them, and a shrub in another, and there are several that don’t involve plants at all, if that’s what you’re into. So please, take off your 180s Ear Warmers so you can listen.

Don’t think of this thing on which we sit as a park bench; think of it as a pedestal. And don’t think of this moisture pitter-pattering against our faces as a cold rain; think of it as a shower of refreshing love. And don’t think of what your teeth are doing as chattering; imagine they’re eating invisible Saltines or something. But please, whatever you do, take off those Ear Warmers and hear all of the beautiful things I have to say.

No, Lorraine, I refuse to listen to you when you say you can hear me. Yes, I understand that by saying this you are, in fact, responding to me. But that does not necessarily mean you can hear me. No, there is a simple explanation for this: you’ve grown accustomed to the gestures I traditionally use when asking you to take off your 180s Ear Warmers, and so have deduced my meaning from my body language, like the part where I point angrily at your ears, or where your ears are reputed to be in hiding.

Ah, thank you, Lorraine, for removing them at last. You’ve shown yourself to be true to me. Now, I’ll read to you from the notebook of sonnets I’ve written in your honor! But first, mind if I put those on my ears? I mean, I wrote the stuff after all; it’s not like I need to hear what I’m saying or anything.

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Hole in One

Dear Neighbors, be advised: your yards are now part of my golf course.

With the country club’s recent increase in membership charges, I’ve decided to save money by buying a 12 Pack of Titleist Pro Official Golf Balls – used but with barely noticeable damage – and build my own “golf course” right here in the neighborhood. Or maybe I should say “golf obstacle course,” because it’s hard to build a real golf course that runs through all of your lawns when none of them have golf holes in them. And I’m not the imposing type; that’s why I built a golf course that uses what’s already in your lawns. Here are the details:

• You start under the oak tree in Jake’s back yard. The first hole is to hit Greg’s grill. NOTE: You get to erase one stroke if you manage to hit it twice.
• The next “hole” is Janet and Mark’s in-ground pool. NOTE: Mark and Janet, I know it’s not pool season, but I’m going to need you guys to roll up the cover. Also, could you throw a tube in there? For a smaller target? I mean, it would be too easy to just hit your ball into the pool.
• After you’ve retrieved your ball from the pool and warmed up in Janet and Mark’s shower (the one in the basement; don’t want to disturb you guys!), aim for Gil’s yard, specifically his bird feeder. NOTE: this hole is a no-go if there’s a rare and/or beautiful bird in the vicinity of the feeder. If you see a bird but you’re not sure how rare it is, just check one of the books that Gil keeps in his den. The window’s usually unlocked, so you don’t need to knock on the door and interrupt his dinner.
• Those are all the “holes” I’ve put together so far. After you finish these three, tally your score and come back to my yard, the club house, for a cold beer or two! NOTE: Club house is BYOB.

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You Don’t Want Good, You Want “Good Enough”

This is not a professional’s screwdriver. But then again, you’re not a professional.

Hi, have we met? We’re the company with a dirt-cheap Half Time Drill Driver 2-Pack, and you’re the person who last tried to fix the bathroom cabinet with the corner of your toothbrush. Or what about that time you wadded up an envelope in hopes you might get just enough torque to tighten that loose screw on your glove compartment? You can act tough all you want but the truth is, when it comes to home repair, you’re just one evolutionary step above a chimpanzee. And not the kind that knows sign language.

And yet, you’re in an imperfect world. Things fall apart, as they say. A klutz like you can’t be calling in favors every time the door needs tightening. And that’s why this Half Time Drill Driver 2-Pack is going to absolutely change your life.

Now, instead of picking up the gun from your Han Solo figure so you can change a washer on the sink, you’ll have access to all the needed bits. Instead of scouring the walls to find a leftover hole from the last occupant, you can just fast-drill your own. Phillips, slotted, countersink, even an Allen wrench are included with the Half Time Drill Driver 2-Pack, and while it may not be enough to build a house or an airplane… not to put too fine a point on it, but… okay, we’ll just say it. You’re never actually going to build a house or an airplane.

The Half Time Drill Driver 2-Pack isn’t the kind of thing you’d want at your side on your first day in a contracting job. But if you want something useful stuffed in the kitchen drawer between the scissors and the pizza coupons? It’s right here, baby. It’s all right here.

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Super Sleepover

Try to be good, honey. You haven’t been away from home since the last business conference, and I hope you’ll behave a little better here.

Jacob! Jacob, what did I tell you about running? I’m so sorry, Michelle. They just get so excited around this time of year, don’t they? Thank you for getting our boys together like this, by the way. Jacob has been talking about hanging out with your Steven and the rest of his friends to watch the big game all week. I can barely believe you wanted to host this little party! You’re a much braver woman than I am.

Anyway, here’s Jacob’s overnight bag with all his stuff. His lucky football jersey is in there, along with some other shirts and extra pants, just in case he spills something on himself. I told him he can eat whatever he wants this weekend within reason. If it looks like he’s eating a lot of chili cheese dip, hot wings, or little smokies, there’s some antacids for him in the inside pocket. He’ll whine about it, but he’ll take one if you tell him. Beer and soda is okay, but no hard liquor, even if it’s in Jell-O form. Also, his NFL pajamas are in here, too, but he’ll probably just pass out in his clothes tonight and that’s fine. As long as he’s wearing something clean when I come to get him tomorrow, I don’t really care.

Oh, and before I forget, here’s the Carry and Storage bag with his 20” Twin Air Bed. His chiropractor and I would very much appreciate he find his way to it so his back gets the comfort and support it needs. It’s easy enough to inflate that he can do it himself, and there are twin-sized sheets in the overnight bag. Also, there’s a Control Wand remote thing that lets him adjust the air pressure while he’s lying on it. Don’t let him play with it too much. If it gets annoying, tell him I said you could take it away from him.

That should be it. Please, if you can remember to do so, try to remind him not to drink too much beer tomorrow night. He’s got a meeting he can’t miss Monday morning, and it’s also his turn to pick up Bobby from soccer practice that night. I’ll be at the spa avoiding football at all costs tomorrow, but call me on my mobile number if there’s an emergency, okay? Jacob, I’m leaving! Have a good time and I love… Ah, forget it. He’s not paying attention, anyway.

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Man, it’s true what they say.

Real life’s just not as good as the movies.

Why can’t the intrigue happen to me? It’s like I live in this big bubble that refuses to allow anything cool or interesting in. Take this RCA Small Wonder HD Camcorder with 2” LCD. When I bought this thing I figured I had a 50/50 chance it would come to my house and I’d turn it on and discover some kind of grainy footage of a far-reaching government conspiracy. You know, like a hidden recording of some meeting in a parking garage, guys in trench coats talking about “drop points” and “assets” and stuff like that.

But nothing! It’s brand new! It just records 720p video with a 4GB Memory Card and a Built-In Rechargeable Lithium Battery! Can you believe that? It’s ridiculous! Like I care if it’s super thin, sleek, and loaded with features to let me share and edit videos super easily. How can I get a book deal out of that?!

You’d figure I could at least score someone’s sex tape out of this. Jeez.

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The Fall Guy

I just want everyone to know that I’m okay.

This pair of lightweight, easy-on Yaktrax WinterTrax Traction Aids has worked so well, that it’s inspired me to put up some signs around my house:

On the icy front steps: 23 days without an accident.

On my driveway: 26 days without an accident. Any falls that have occurred in the last 26 days on this driveway were on purpose, and should be noted as such if a video of them were to be uploaded to Youtube.

On the sidewalk that my neighbor never shovels: 12 days without an accident. And to clarify, those accidents that happened 12 or more days ago were not at all funny. They were painful. So I don’t appreciate all the laughter.

On the (also not shoveled) walkway up to my neighbor’s house: 10 days without an accident. Now, with the added traction of my Yaktrax, you won’t have the thud of me hitting the ground to alert you to my presence. I’ll just be there when you open the door, ready to have a little chit-chat about what you find so friggin’ funny!

Directly Outside of My Shower: 3 days without an accident. The Yaktrax don’t really work in here. But more importantly, if you’re reading this sign, and you’re not me or my wife, you’re a creep! Why are you so obsessed with seeing me fall? STOP LAUGHING! STOP LAUGHING!

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Never Had One Lesson In Love

Thank you all for coming out to Jessica’s porch tonight. My name’s Billy, and I’ll be here all night if that’s what it’ll take to make her love me.

It’s so nice to see so many people standing out on their lawns, staring at me in what looks to me like stunned disbelief. But is it so hard to believe that a man can be so moved by a lady that he’d set up a Casio 76-Key Digital Keyboard Workstation just outside the door of her house and serenade her with songs he wrote from the depths of his heart? Well then, don’t think of me as a man at all, but a visitor from planet Romance. Mmm, that’s right, neighbor lady in the shower cap and bath robe. You know what I’m talking about.

But if y’all don’t mind, I’d like to get a little personal while I tickle these 76 standard-size keys for a moment and tell you a little about my sweet Jessica. Can you hear me in there, darling? I think you can. See, she may not return my phone calls or reply to my text messages, but that’s just because she’s scared. Scared of setting her soul free. Scared to jump into the deep end of my love pool. Scared that I followed her home from the blood bank where we met, so she kept all the lights off and is now huddled in a corner, confused about what to do next.

I wish I could take away that confusion for her. For me, I knew the moment she removed that pint of plasma from my body and handed me a cookie that she was the one. That day, I was inspired, y’all. Inspired to buy this Casio 76-Key Digital Keyboard Workstation you see in front of me. Inspired to compose sweet ballads with 570 built-in tones ranging from strings to woodwinds and plenty more. Inspired to sample up to ten sounds from a portable audio player or other device and record a perfect message of love directly to my computer via USB. By the way, that message of love is available as a five song E.P. entitled Just Give Up Already, Jessica, featuring some of the songs you’ve heard tonight, like “No Order Can Restrain The Heart” and “I Know Why Your Dog Is Missing.” If you’d like one, just see me after the show.

Oh, how nice! Looks like local law enforcement’s here to enjoy the intoxicating power of love, as well. Careful. Gentlemen, these songs are potent. I think maybe I’ll cover “Stop! In The Name of Love” and send it out to Jessica in their honor. What do you fine folks think?

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Talk about your double standards.

Sure, you can make BEER at home; but try to cook up anything else and you’re a “menace.”

We’re living in a socialist nightmare state, Wayne. I’m telling you, man; first they come for the outlaws, and then when they run out of us they’ll just tighten their laws to create even more! Sure, you can use this Mr. Beer Home Beer Kit: Premium Edition today. But what about tomorrow? Will they still let you learn how to brew beer at home with an easy-to-use starter kit and refills?

We’re true patriots, Wayne, fighting the ever-creeping tentacles of corporate globalism as it destroys every honest, hardworking entrepreneur on earth. Think about it: did anyone go PAY a guy to change their oil 50 years ago? Of course not! People did it themselves! But “Big Oil Change” got involved and now cars are so advanced that you have to go pay the guy at the dealership to do it. Why’s BEER okay and moonshine isn’t? It doesn’t even make SENSE, am I right? The sheeple need to wake up and start realizing they’re losing their American rights!

Now hand me that carpet deodorizer. I saw this on an episode of Breaking Bad and it turned out pretty great.

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Snowman-of-War

Maybe these other losers just throw together some lame-o, top-hat and pipe snowmen, but not Dan Saunders!

No sir! Dan Saunders chooses a theme, and he goes all out. Who can forget his “Snowmen in Uniform: From Chef to Navy SEAL” collection of two years ago? Or last year’s “Warriors Within” that featured snowmen dressed in what seemed like everyday attire, but then you got close and realized each one was outfitted with a minor piece of ninja flair, thus symbolizing the fight that rages in all of us?

And to be fair, this year’s theme, “The Mafia: Cold-Hearted Killers,” may be a little bit less original. But what it lacks in creativity, it makes up for in expense. Walk among these burly frozen criminals, and you’ll notice that they are all wearing real Armani Suits! Why, it must have cost a fortune! And that’s not even taking into consideration the briefcase full of REAL money!

Well, when you’ve got that kind of merchandise on your yard, you gotta protect it. That’s why Dan Saunders swears by his Zmodo 16 Channel Surveillance System with 8 Weatherproof IR Cameras. He’s got 7 of ‘em outside – one on each snowman – and another in his office so Greg Steward doesn’t try to steal his plans for next year’s sculpture like he did in 2003 with “Snow Henge.”

And it’s not like Dan Saunders needs to sit there watching the whole time. No, Dan Saunders can walk away from his surveillance system anytime he wants. Since it’s got DVR and a 1 TB harddrive, he can just set it to record – on Continuous, Time Capture, or Motion Detection – and then go about his day worry-free.

But don’t misunderstand us here: Dan Saunders does NOT walk away from his surveillance system for anything short of an emergency. Because that would be a betrayal to his snowmen and thus, to himself.

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