If you end up twisting an ankle, it'll be like a badge of honor amongst the aerobics community.
Use this: To fight gravity.
Don't use this: As a stepping stool for reaching stuff above the stove.
Left to its own devices, this: Forgets it exists, finds a nice space in the back of your downstairs closet, and stays there until you move houses or sell it on Craigslist.
When irradiated, this product will bite you, giving you the power of: Tautness.
If you owned this, people would say: "It's gotta be better than nothing."
This will make you popular with: People who like watching other people on trampolines. Not that we're, you know, implying anything.